Funny
Jokes
Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked
into her classroom one of her students, Dollly, had brought a gift up to her
desk.
"Guess what it is!" said Dolly.
Knowing that Dolly`s father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?"
"How did you know?" asked Dolly
Next, Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!"
said Robert.
Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop, she guessed,
"Flowers?"
"How did you know ?" asked Robert
Finally, Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith.
"Guess what it is!" said Johnny.
Knowing that Johnny`s father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was
wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them.
"Rum?" guessed Miss Smith.
"No" said Johnny.
She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed.
"No" said Johnny.
Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith,
"It`s wine."
"No!" said Johnny..."it`s a puppy."
......................................................................................................
Breaking Dates Excuses
I'm sorry so sorry.....but I have to break our date! Most of us have heard that one before. Well here is a place to find a new one or put out ones that you have given or received. Please send yours in today!
1. Hello Jennifer I can not meet you tonight and go out like we wanted to. I went surfing today and I like got washed out to sea and you know like it took me all day to get back in so I'm still here and like I won't be home in time for our date.
2. I'm sorry or maybe not, but I can't go out with you tonight! My boyfriend just got back from College and he is good looking and your not, he's tall and your not. I know this is a piss poor excuse but I'm going out with him and not you. That is why I'm a psycho bitch ok, just Good-Bye!
3. I'm sorry I can't go out with you tonight like we planned, because I just found out there is a Leave It To Beaver marathon on TV and I can't betray Wally.
4. I am a little embarrassed because I actually fell for this. I had just started going out with this guy and he told me that he couldn't attend the BBQ at my best friend's house because a good friend was having problems with his ex-girlfriend. When asked to explain problems, he said that his friend's ex-girlfriend was having people drive by the house killing his dogs one at a time. His friend needed him there for moral support, losing a girlfriend is one thing but losing a dog is heartbreaking. When I questioned him on how realistic he was sounding, and why the police hadn't been contacted, he said his friend lived in the country and this was the country way of taking care of problems, and you didn't call the police to this type of situation.
5. This guy would not take "no" for an answer. So I told him that I had received an obscene phone call, and had the phone tapped. He shouldn't phone me because the police might inquire at work or home, and I didn't want him to be embarrassed. He never called again. Whew!
6. My friend who is divorced with two kids, wanted to get rid of this guy she was dating so, she told him: I had a sex change; I used to be a man but now I'm a woman. That's why we can't be intimate.
7. Now this is an actual excuse I used. This guy wouldn't leave me alone so I told him that I was so glad I had a great friend like him and that I wanted to be able to confide in him more. Of course he was happy about this. So I went on to tell him that I was having problems with my lesbian lover. We went on to actual be really really good friends. So then he went on to ask me if he could join us. Then I was caught in the lie and had to tell him the truth. Luckily he understood and we are still good friends.
8. I wanted out of a relationship so I told the guy that since he wasn't there for the miscarriage I suffered, I could no longer be with him. Of course I was never pregnant in the first place. It was cruel but it did work and it was creative.
9. Well this guy said he really liked me and we should get together. We do have a lot in common. We set the day and the time, I let him know I would cook and have it ready when he got there. So we were talking on the phone at the time, he told me to page him or he would call me Sept.18th,1999.To get good directions. I suppose his excuse is he erased all 5 of my pages ,forgot to write the number down .....and couldn't find my house because he couldn't call for directions. Boy he doesn't know what he is missing. I am probably his dream come true, but after that I would have to say no matter how good looking I am thru with him. He is missing a very beautiful person, inside and out. There isn't another guy I know that would do that ,that knows me. They are trying to find me and asking directions from everyone in the small town I live in.
10. I'm going to Hell for this one. I met two guys around the same time that really liked. We have been Emailing back and forth for awhile and I have been hesitant on going out with either of them. I want to date them, but I need a little time before I am ready (we'll get to the reason shortly). So I wrote them both letters saying I was sorry for delaying, but I was having some troubles with an ex-boyfriend of mine. I proceeded to say how much I believed in building a relationship on honesty and I hoped he would understand if it took some time before we could go out. Now for the really bad part: I came to this website looking for a really good excuse to use when I break up with my current boyfriend. Withheld due to incrimination....I ain't giving this out either.
11. I cannot go out with you tonight because I need to start spending more time with my blender.
12. My best friend, Maddie told me this over the phone, This is an excuse for females who are being hounded by "unattractive men" or extremely jealous women who have nothing better to do except cause trouble. My girlfriend was accused by her neighbor's wife of sleeping with her husband whom she had said "hi" to once in a grocery store . She told the wife that if her husband was the last man on Earth, she would commit suicide!"
13. I had been dating one fellow for almost two years, but he wouldn't commit. So when the second fellow started hanging around, I didn't object. However, when fellow #1 was due back into town for a visit, I had to think of something to keep fellow #2 from visiting or calling for a few days, so I told fellow #2 I was visiting my grandmother in another state. He bought it. Fellow #2 is now husband, and we still laugh about my little white lie.
14. I'm sorry but I have to break our date tonight. Y'see I kinda got my penis stuck in a rusty toaster.
15. This really works! "I'm sorry I can't go out with you tonight, the cat exploded and I have to take it to the vet.' If your date asks if he/she can come with you, tell them you have cat guts stuck in your teeth, and wouldn't be very good company."
16. I'm sorry I have to break our date. My goldfish died, and as I flushed it down the toilet, the toilet broke and flooded my bathroom. As I went outside to get my neighbor (he's a plumber), I accidentally locked myself out. I tried to climb back in through the window, but I caught my dressing gown on the window and I fell (naked) to the ground. I have several injuries and I am too embarrassed to leave the house.
17. "This is how to break a date: (if you live with your parents) when the other person calls you, and asks you what they want to do, say "Just a second, let me ask my mom" then you go to your mom and scream "MOM! F--- YOU!!" almost any mother would then ground you....Case solved, instead of being with the loser....quality time with yourself."
18. I can't go out with you tonight because my husband Tony has told me that if he finds out that I am seeing someone else I'm gonna wake up with their head on my pillow, did I mention that my husband's in the Mafia?
19. A friend of mine was turned down with this line, "I can't that night because my mom is cooking me a liver dinner."
20. I'm sorry that I cannot go out on a date with you but I come from Lavitia. In Lavitia the word yes means no, thank you very much but I am gay.
21. This is for one of those friends that you just don't want to see this particular day. (I really used this) I cant come over, I'm too busy watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. friend: But, this is Friday, it was on 2 days ago me: Oh, I know, I taped it. I'm watching it today friend: but you taped it, you can watch it anytime me: Nope, sorry, Friday is my taped Buffy day. (walks away)
22. I'm sorry that I have to break our date, but you see I was out bowling with my friend's tonight and I got my hand stuck in the ball, and they had to take me to the E.R. Where they had to saw it off of my hand. My hand is now swollen to extreme measures, and they have me on this really weird medicine that makes me sneeze and fart every 10-15 minutes. SORRY!
23. This guy that did something for me really cheap asked me on a date and feeling obligated to say "yes" I did. When he called to set up a time, I told him that I forgot I had this really big project due and I couldn't go out with him.
24. I've actually used this one - I'm sorry but I can not go out with you due to my deathly reaction to total DUMB ASSES (A.K.A YOU)
25. Well normally my roommate and I simply don't answer the phone but after a while it gets really annoying. My roommate and I fall into that stupid college bind of kissing someone while intoxicated then giving our numbers out. Here are a few 1) Sorry I just realized what you look like sober and you are not cute! 2) I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight can you give me a call another time please 3) Sorry but I've f----d way to many of your brothers at this point I can't afford another bc I will get a rep.
26. I'm sorry I can't go out with you, because if we ever got to the point of me seeing you naked, there would not be enough voltage in the world to shock me back into coherency!
27. Talk about a sure fire way to break a date. This is a "dirty little secret" that I have since learned is used fairly commonly among women ages 18-29. A woman (let's just call her Hairiett) was giving me mixed signals one time at a bar. It was very unclear to me whether or not she was interested in my invitation for a date. She and her girlfriend said they needed to slip away to go to the ladies room and assured me they "would be right back." Well, nearly 10 minutes passed before I saw them emerge together from the rest room. "What took you so long?" I said. "Weeellll," said Hairiett, the 22 year-old I was interested in, "we got a little side tracked when I decided to take a dare from her," pointing at her smiling accomplice. As she spoke, I noticed something in her teeth -- maybe broccoli or spinach I thought. But the more I stared, the more I realized that it wasn't food. IT WAS A PUBIC HAIR stuck right in between her two front teeth! Needless to say I was effectively blown off (no pun intended) by this woman and never asked her for a date again. As I stated at the beginning, it is a dirty little secret that many women pull this stunt when they want a guaranteed way to escape your pursuit. Now that you have been adequately warned, keep your eyes on her teeth! You just might be surprised what you see.
28. The worse excuse for dumping someone is too much school work.
29. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
30. My boyfriend said this to me when we split up "I can't see you anymore, my mom said so." Sad thing is, he is 25.
31. One time when a guy was suppose to go to a dance with me, he broke the date 2 hours before saying he ate dog shit. Thinking it was Pate, and was rushed to the hospital! Whatever!
32. I'm sorry but my friend is a psychic and she thinks that you are the devil, and dating you would violate so many personal rules of mine.
33. This actually happened to me about 2 years ago. About 30 minutes before my date was supposed to pick me up, He phoned me and said he had to cancel because his ex-wife's cat had died and he had to help her pick out an urn for the cremated cat's ashes.
34. Okay, I was on this blind date last summer with this...troll. He was smelly and drunk by 8 pm and wanted to dance- yuckiee!!! So I told him I had cramps and walked around holding my tummy. 15 minutes later I was home safe and sound!
35. Him: How about going out on Friday Night? Her: I'm sorry, I'm washing my hair that night. Him: Well, how about Saturday? Her: It has to dry.
36. I would love to go out with you, but I need to ask my fiancé, and I don't think he would like that very much. I actually used this one, it really works!
37. If you don't want to dance with someone: Say, " I'm sorry but I just got my leg out of a Cast and the doctor told me to stay off of it as much as possible.
38. This one almost always works for breaking a date: "Well, it's really sweet of you to ask, but I have to take my kids to see their father in prison that day... How about Thursday?"
39. On the phone: I have to go because my sister is about to hit me over the head with a hammer if I don't give her the phone. I'll call you back later......if I live. I actually used this one and it is true.......I had to wrestle the hammer away from her and that's why I never got to call him back.
40. I had a date call me 30 minutes before we were supposed to go out. He said his ex-wife and their son were in an accident and had to be taken to the hospital. I thought I would be nice the next morning and take him some bagels for breakfast. I called all of the area hospitals and he wasn't at any of them. After a couple of phone calls, I never heard back from him, nor did we ever go out. Four months later, when I had been dating someone else for 3 months, the other guy sent me a card in the mail saying that he had been really busy at work and now had the time to go out with me. I never responded.
41. If you ever have problems getting someone to back off, just mention to them that "the restraining order that your ex-lover and their new lover had placed on you for stalking was just listed, so yeah-sure, why not, you feel like celebrating!"
42. Ladies~ this one always works for those freaks that won't leave you alone: Lead them on a little bit, then have a friend casually drop it in conversation to them that you are really only 14 years old and very developed for your age. You'll never hear from them again!
43. Sorry, I would love to stay/talk/go on a date with you but I have to give my neighbors fish a bath!!!! *My friend, actually said that to this guy that would not leave her alone*
44. "Sure, I would love to go on a date with you. Let me contact my Parole officer first and see if he will let me."
45. I'm sorry I can't go out on a date with you tonight. Ya see, I was micro waving some frozen hotdogs and I didn't quite cook them correctly. They barely thawed out and all this hotdog-smelling water spilled all over my pants. (he/she says: Than why didn't you put on another pair of pants?) Well, I only have one other pair of pants, and I peed those. I just don't think you'd be comfortable.
46. I am sorry I cannot go out with you 'cause my Venus is in Jupiter and yours is in Mars.
47. My parents are coming over tonight and I've got to get the house in order!
48. I would go out with you but my Daddy is a professional prisoner and he's out on a vacation right now.
49. Believe it or not this actually worked. I had this girl that would not leave me alone, even though I told her that it was over. Finally one day I got so tired of her I told her I can not see her because my goldfish drowned and there were so many memories. I never saw her again.
50. I can't go out tonight, I've been lifting breezeblocks all day. (This is a genuine excuse, used a few months back when my friend Mark had run out of proper reasons not to go out.)
51. "I'm sorry for breaking off our date, but I'm going out of town for a long time.. i don't know if I can contact you in a long time.." (actually I told this to someone, and my friend called and said, 'you didn't tell me you were going out of town!' and I told her I was just making it up as an excuse, and then she and the guy started laughing- he was on three way calling!!!!)
52. "I can't go out with you tonight as I have to wash my cat."
53. I'm really sorry I can't go out with you tonight, because the Mother Ship only visits once 25 years.
54. My boyfriend of several months, told me one night after dinner, "I'm sorry, I can't go out with you any more." "Why?" I ask. "Things (the relationship) are going too well. I just can't do this to myself." Hmm. [ Note from Madtbone: I guess some guys just have to have a bad relationship to be happy.]
55. I was dating this guy who worked at a venue where most of the crowd was more punk-rock, I was like that back in High School, anyway one of his excuses was that I looked normal! Ha, I may look normal, but I ask any one of my friends- I am definitely one of a kind. Lame excuse, Greg.
56. My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he "didn't have time for a relationship due to his hectic work and school schedule"..... I found out a week later that what he REALLY meant was that he was too busy for a relationship with me.... but he had all the time in the world for his NEW girlfriend.... and that he was already going out with her for two weeks before he broke up with me..... and how did I find this out, you ask??? I called him after the breakup, and his mom said "hi Sarah (not MY name), will you be staying over with Greg again tonight?" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... MEN!!!!!
57. I'm thinking of using this excuse pretty soon. Me: "Stephanie, we can't go out anymore, sorry." Her: "Why?" Me": "Well, unfortunately, some girls yesterday made threats to me saying if I don't dump you, they will report me to the principal for bothering them due to the fact that they are bothered by us going out." If this excuse is submitted on this web page, then it'll work!
58. I'm sorry Cindy we can't go out tonight, me and my friends were playing soccer, and the ball hit my crotch! And my tentacles are twisted and I can't walk!
59. A friend of mine said that she had this friend that wanted to meet me. I talked to this friend on the phone and we agreed to meet. Working the late shift I gave enough time for this girl to get enough Dutch courage inside her before we met. As the night went on she told me her address. Not living in the area I searched the www for a map to direct me. I could not find it anywhere. I texted her mobile to ask if the address was correct - I got no reply. As the shift went on I was getting more and more uptight as to whether we were going to meet or not, I tried to contact her again just before the end of the shift to just make sure it was still ok to meet, even though it would have been after midnight - her mobile clicked straight to her answer phone. I left a message but thought if I hear nothing I'll go home. I heard nothing, went home stood up and very disappointed. I asked my "date's" friend when I got to work the next day if she had heard anything. It turns out that my date had had a little too much Dutch courage, somehow dropped her mobile down the toilet and is gutted as she still really wants to meet up with me. I don't know but if we never meet It'll be an excuse I'll have use myself!!!
60. Why lie when breaking a date? Just say you don't want to go out with them! It's that easy!
61. Him: Wanna go to the dance with me? Me: Uh . . . I can't. Him: Why not? Me: I've got something else to do. Him: Whaddaya mean? Helpful Friend: She has a boyfriend! Him: So? Me: Yeah . . . I have a boyfriend . . . he's very violent . . . you know how those never-sober 28-year-olds get . . . Him: Oh. Me: It's not you . . . Him: Is it my ears? Me: Yeah, your ears.
62. I'm sorry but I was in with my vibrator. And it gave me more pleasure then you ever will. :)
63. Him: "Wanna go out?" Her: "Sure, Is never a good time for you? Never works for me!" I also broke up with my ex-boyfriend from a friends house over the phone..."we are just two very different people" and with another one when he called me from across the country to say hi - a little mean, sure, but they deserved it ;-) Also: him - "wanna go out?" her - "wait! my toys! my toys! I can't go without my toys!" (runs around frantically like a mad woman) and another: Him - "wanna go out?" Her - "I'm sorry, but as Satan's advocate, I'm not allowed to date mortal males" Ohhh so many more great ones I've collected in my history...but I don't want to wear y'all out!
64. I was seeing this guy for a few months and one day he told me he didn't want to see me anymore. When I asked him why he said, "You just don't wear enough make-up. You need to wear a lot of make-up 24 hours a day and you just don't do that." Very creative.
65. I cannot go out with you, because lately I feel like I can do a lot better, sorry.
......................................................................................................
Santa was having coffee and sandwich with butter and jam in a diner when a
Chinese, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
Santa politely ignored the Chinese, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. Chinese snapped his gum and said, "You Indians eat the whole
bread?"
Santa frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
"Of course."
The Chinese blew a huge bubble. "We don`t. In China we only eat what`s
inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to India."
The Chinese had a smirk on his face. Santa listened in silence. The Chinese
persisted.
"Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, Santa replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Chinese said, "We don`t. In China,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to
India."
Santa then asked, "Do you have sex in China?"
The Chinese smiled and said, "Why? Of course we do."
Santa leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms
once you`ve used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was Santa`s turn to smile. "We don`t. In India, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the
Chinese."
......................................................................................................
Two drunks, Santa and Banta were trying to figure out how to get some drinks
for free. They only had a fifty rupees in change between them.
"I`ve got it, follow me." said Santa man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun.
"We`ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for
money, I`ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and
pretend to suck me off." Banta agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be hundred rupees."
Santa stands up and upzips his fly. Banta drops to his knees and starts sucking
on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of
here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks
for money, Santa unzips his fly, and Banta drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar Banta complains, "This isn`t working out so well, My
knees are killing me!"
"You think you`ve had it bad..", Santa exclaims. "I lost the
hotdog 4 bars ago!"
......................................................................................................
Banta goes over to Santa`s house, rings the bell. Santa`s wife, Jeeto answers.
"Hi, is Santa home?"
"No, he went to the market."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and Banta says, "You know Jeeto, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I`d give you a five hundred bucks if I could just see
one."
Jeeto thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - five hundred
bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws five hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Banta says, "They are so beautiful I got
to see the both of them. I`ll give you another five hundred bucks if I could
just see the both of them together."
Jeeto thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Banta a
nice long look.
Banta thanks her and throws another five hundred bucks on the table then says
he can`t wait any longer for Santa and leaves.
A while later Santa arrives home and Jeeto says, "You know your weird
friend Banta came over."
Santa thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the
1000 bucks he owes me?"
......................................................................................................
A visiting professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"
About 50 students raise their hands.
"Well that`s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you`ve ever seen a ghost?"
About 35 students raise their hands.
"That`s really good. I`m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
20 students raise their hands.
"That`s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
5 students raise their hands.
"That`s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?
Banta in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I`ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have slept with a ghost. You`ve got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
Banta replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it`s like to have sex with a
ghost." Banta replies, "Ghost !!!!, I thought you said
"GOATS."
......................................................................................................
Santa goes into emergency with his testicles just hanging by a few bits of
skin.
The doctor said to Santa, "What ever happened to you, it must have been
very painful!"
Santa explains, "While hunting in the bush I needed to go to the bathroom
for the heavy duty job. As I squatted down, I didn`t see the bear trap and
WHAM! the bear trap sprang shut right over my testicles."
"Wow!" The doctor said, "That must have been very painful."
Santa replied, "No, that wasn`t the worst pain. The worst pain was when I
got up and ran out of chain!"
......................................................................................................
Banta, "Doctor, please help me! My wife just isn`t interested in sex
anymore. Haven`t you got a pill or something I can give her?"
Doctor, "Look, I can`t prescribe..."
Banta, "Doctor, we`ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I`m desperate! I can`t think; I can`t concentrate; my life is going
utterly to hell! You`ve got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn`t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far
indicate that they`re VERY powerful. Don`t give her more than ONE, understand?
Just ONE."
Banta, "I don`t know, doctor; she`s awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her tea. Okay?"
"Um... okay." says Banta Banta thanks the doctor and heads for home
where his wife, Preeto, has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes
to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, Banta pulls the pills from
his pocket and drops one into Preeto`s tea. He thinks for a moment, hesitates,
then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say
they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his
own tea.
Preeto returns and they enjoy their dessert and tea. Sure enough, a few minutes
after they finish, Preeto shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has
never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
Banta`s eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too.."
......................................................................................................
Santa goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal,
between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but
there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" Santa asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in Kargil. They were able to save
my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Santa then looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Kargil, bullet in the penis, left three holes"
The two veterans then look over at Santa in the middle and see. . . 12
streams!!
"War wound??"
"No, my zipper`s stuck"
......................................................................................................
The medics rushed Banta to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently
with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and
finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Banta`s physician comes into his room and says,
"I`m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart
function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We`re going to send
you home tomorrow. You don`t have to worry about your heart; do any physical
exercise that you like."
Banta goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Preeto, you`ll never believe it! I`m completely well. I have no worries
with my heart. Tonight, you and I are going to make love like you`ve never had
before; wild, passionate sex! You`ll love it!"
Preeto thinks for a minute and says, "I don`t know, I`ve heard about
active sex and heart conditions. I don`t want it to be on my conscience if you
die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to
me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Banta was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor`s office.
His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, no problem, I`ll write the note. Let`s
see, here`s my prescription pad: `Banta, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous
sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Khurana.` Now, I`ll just address
this. By the way, what`s your wife`s first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, `To Whom It May Concern`?"
......................................................................................................
Banta went to a Dr. and said: "Doctor, I`m having problems with my sex
life!"
Doctor: "What do you mean?"
Banta: "Well, I`m just not getting any."
Doctor: "Look out the window then."
Banta: "Oh yeah, I see thats a Nurse hostel. Good idea Doctor!"
Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"
Banta looks across and sees a beautiful young nurse picking mushrooms.
The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the
mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won`t regret
it."
The next morning, Banta guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with
his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young
nurse walks along with a basket.
She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."
Banta cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and
Santa (who is very drunk). Santa decides to go and try this out for himself.
So, that night he goes down to the hostel, and places himself underneath the
patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest,
most repulsive and butch nurse comes along with her basket.
She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little mushrooms for
my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."
......................................................................................................
Santa and Banta are in a restaurant along with their wives and are talking
about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" Santa asks "Pretty much the way
you do," responds Banta.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night
and experience one another.
Jeeto and Banta go off to a bedroom where Banta strips. He`s got only a teeny,
weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don`t think this is going to work," says Jeeto.
"Why?" Banta asks, "What`s the matter?"
"Well," Jeeto replies, "It`s just not long enough to reach
me!"
"No problem," Banta says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it`s quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That`s quite impressive, but it`s still
pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to Jeeto.
"Wow!" Jeeto exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways.
As they walk along, Santa asks Jeeto, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," Jeeto says, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was OK," Santa replies, "but a little weird. The whole time
she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
......................................................................................................
Santa and Banta are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance
sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store.
Santa says to Banta, "Well, what now? We`ve sold everything."
Banta replies, "Don`t worry, there`s this really stupid guy who comes in
here everyday. We`ll have a few laughs on him."
Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the stupid guy comes walking in, hands in
pockets, looking around.
"Tell me guys," asks the guy, "What have you guys got for sale
today?"
Santa says, "Well we`re having a sale on assholes!"
The guy says, "Well, you must be doing pretty good. You only got two
left!"
......................................................................................................
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations,that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
""Way! She's the latest model from Japan.
Lemme tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit,she takes dictation.
If you squeeze her right tit,she types a letter. And that's not all, she can
have sex,too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So,his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.
Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp. Ooooooh. Arrrggghhh.
Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh."
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
......................................................................................................
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can
play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl
sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The
little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only
boys can get these!"
But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets
furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only
boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress,
points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I
have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
......................................................................................................
Once upon a time in a elephant school some loafer elephants were sitting on a
wall. a sexy female elephant passes by. what do the loafer elephants say about
her?
36000 - 24000 - 36000 !!!
......................................................................................................
Recently a Sardarni in New York went to a worldwide message centre to send a
message to her mother abroad.
When a phirangi man told her it would cost $100 she exclaimed: "I don't
have that kind of money! But I would do anything to get a message to my mother
in Punjab-India!"
The man arched an eyebrow and asked: "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!" promised the sardarni.
With that, the man said: "Follow me." He walked into the next room
and ordered: "Come in and close the door."
She did.
He then said: "Get on your knees."
She did.
He said: "Go ahead...take it out."
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his eyes and whispered: "Well...go ahead!"
The Sardarni slowly brought her lips closer, and said,
"Hello...Mummyji?"
......................................................................................................
ARAB : After Rape Apply Balm
AFRICA : After Fuck Rest In Cool Air
AMERICA : All Men Enjoy Raping In Cool Atmosphere
ADIDAS : All Day I Dream About Sex
BOMBAY : Both Of My Balls Are Yours
CUBA : Caught Under Bra Area
GERMANY : Girls Even Rape Men At New York
PUNE : Please Use Nirodh Everyday
JAPAN : Jumping And Pumping All Night
PARIS : Please Allow Rape In School
RUSSIA : Rape Until She Screams In Agony
PUMA : Press Until Milk Arrive
ROME : Rape On Morning &Evening
HOLLAND : Hope Our Love Lives And Never Dies
USA : Under Skirt Activities
BITCH : Beautiful Indian Teenagers Causing Heartbreaks
PIG : Pretty Indian Girls
PIA : Pain In Ass
WIFE : Wonderful Instrument For Fuck & Entertainment OR Worries Invited For
Ever
FEMALES : For Entertaining Males
......................................................................................................
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese
dtective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few
days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE
......................................................................................................
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up but
then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well
deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, and then they go to
the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so
excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is
going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff
now."
The woman's face goes blank. He Continues "I just wanted you to HOLD this
stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy
says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
......................................................................................................
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out
for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the
young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a
month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?"
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?"
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
......................................................................................................
T H E W A Y O F T H I N K I N G
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his Teacher picked
him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your
gun how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the
way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting
her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
......................................................................................................
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruits. "Now class, I'm
going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what
fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and
picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to
call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's
another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher
skips him again and calls on Sally.
A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got
one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's
round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your
thinking!
......................................................................................................
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to
go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know You'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."
......................................................................................................
Mad Cow disease
A Television Program Organizer (Lady) went to make an Interview with a farmer
seeking the main reason that caused Cow Madness (Mad Cow disease).
The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the
reason that causes Cow Madness. Do you have any idea what might be the reason??
The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do you know that the Bull fucks
the cow once a year?
The Lady getting embarrassed: "Well sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomena and Cow Madness?
The Farmer : Well Mam, do you know that we milk the Cow FOUR times a day!!!
The Lady : Sir this is really valuable information, but what about getting to
the point!
The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam. Just imagine, if I am playing with
your Tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and FUCKING YOU ONCE A YEAR, won't you get Mad??
......................................................................................................
A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player,
known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair.
They liked each other and the woman went back with him to his hotel room. He
removed his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she saw that on his right arm
was a tattoo which said, "Reebok". She thought that was a bit odd and
asked him about it. Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras
pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants came off and she saw "Puma" tattooed on his
leg. He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of
the room. "What's wrong?", asked Rodman. The woman remained quiet and
just pointed at the tattoo on his penis which read "AIDS."
She said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" To that
he replied, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute, when it gets hard,
it's going to say "ADIDAS".
......................................................................................................
In Kidilamsoft........ One guy’s secretary complained about her boss....
She says 'My boss is so sex-crazy. Everytime he comes into the office, I must
do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the
SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he
can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his
SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind
and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.
Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where
he started pressing BACKSPACE, and saying 'TURNOVER today'...many a times he
works without CAPSLOCK (without 'cap' or helmet) and some times as an
ALTernative he CRASHES my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he
LOGS IN.. this process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his main SYSTEM......
......................................................................................................
Tansen was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one
longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's
desire.
Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire
to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much
thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the breasts to his
desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.
Tansen agreed. The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and
poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching
started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.
Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was
only in Tansen 's mouth.
Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours Tansen violently sucked the
queen's breasts.
Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.
Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his
mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact shooed him
away.
Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor
since he was instrumental in it himself.
What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day......
Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear
......................................................................................................
[Q] What did the left Boob say to the Right Boob?
[A] Sab Lafda Neeche Hota hai, Hum khamakha Pakde jate hai.
......................................................................................................
On Vidai brides father hands a note to the groom which read, "Goods once
delivered will not be taken back"
Groom gives a note to the father of the bride that read, "Guarantee void
if seal is broken"
......................................................................................................
Have Sex Daily
Jab Bhi Mili Wo Akeli,
Wo Nahin To Uski Saheli,
Saheli Nahin To Apni Hatheli...
But have Sex Daily.
......................................................................................................
What did an impotent man ask the sexologist?
Thoda sa to lift kara de, ek nahi baar baar kara de.
......................................................................................................
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation, a man puts his dicktation into womens
ventilation; get my conversation or need a demonstration.
......................................................................................................
When a Sardar was asked why he was beaten in a public place, Sardarji said-
"I was in crowded bus and my Photo fell from wallet, so I asked lady in
front "madam", Please lift sari I want to take photo."
......................................................................................................
What similar things do you prefer in your coffee and your girlfriend?
[a] Both Should be HOT
[b] Both Should be RICH
[c] Both Should be creamy
[d] Both should be able to keep you up all night
......................................................................................................
[Q] What is the similarity between Tea and Girl?
[A] Both are Hot, Both have Milk
......................................................................................................
[Q] What is a Kiss?
[A] A Kiss is an upper preparation for a lower invention that will lead to
further penetration in fast acceleration that will build next generation
......................................................................................................
Jab tere Chikoo The, Sab tere peeche the
Jab tere Aam huye, sab pareshan huye
Jab tere Jhool(sagging) Gaye, sab tujhe bhool gaye
......................................................................................................
Virtuous Way To Heaven
Once a bus full of nuns fell off a bridge and the nuns died. At the gates of
heaven St. Peter came up to them and said that he would ask a question and let
them enter heaven. He asked them if they had touched a penis before. The first
one answered that she did so only with her fingertips. So she was asked to dip
her fingers in a bowl of holy water and granted entry. The second nun said she
did it with her palm. So she was asked to wash her left palm in that bowl.
Just then, a nun came up to St. Peter and asked if she could be the next one.
St. Peter wanted to know the reason and she replied that she wanted to gargle
her mouth before the other sister Mary dumped her ass in it.
......................................................................................................
Dying American soldier in battlefield hospital in Afganistan : " How I
wish I could kiss the American flag before I die."
Nurse (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism): " I have a tattoo
of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
Soldier: " Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last
wish. "
The nurse took off her panty and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
Soldier: " Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so
that I could kiss Bush too? "
......................................................................................................
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said,
"Man, I wish I had your willpower."
......................................................................................................
The driver got impatient and cursed at the cow which came across the road. The
master advised him that one should treat a cow as one's Mother.
Driver protested, "Can't help it. I am not even a Hindu"
"Then treat her as my mother", master suggested.
Later when they saw a bull, driver smiled, "Here comes your father,
sir"
"Not mine, yours", groaned the master.
After some time, He heard the driver laughing and peeped through the window. He
saw a cow and bull were making love.
The driver got dismissed.
......................................................................................................
Amitabh asks a question to sardar in creorepati...
What is the colour of your wife's pussy hair?
A-black
B-brown
C-white
D-no hair...
Sardar: can i phone a friend?
......................................................................................................
Beauty is 2 c & 2 touch,
Flowers r 2 smell & 2 pluck,
Nipples r 2 play & 2 suck,
Women r 2 Luv & 2 Fuck,
All these r free but depends on Luck
------
A Chinese man files for divorce
Judge: What's the reason
Chinese: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come
Judge: May be side income
------
A young gal goes to a Doc with mom
Gal: Medical check up karwana hai
Doc: Kapde utaar k parde k peeche let jaao
Gal: Mera nahin, mom ka
Doc: Oh, aap jeebh dikhayen
------
3 commandants for a successful life Stay married, u hv nothing to lose
except happiness, stay cool coz marriage is not a word but a life sentence,
stay faithful to the wife. Whose wife That can be discussed later
----------
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After
answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual.
The guy admitted that he was.
Recruiter: Gay, huh Do you think you could kill a man
My, yes, the man giggled, but it would take days & days
-------
Litte Boy: Daddy, where did I come from
Daddy: You came from the stork
Little Boy: Ewww, you fucked a stork
----
What do you do if you come across a girl in your bed
Apologise and wipe it off!
-----
A kid wrote to Santa Claus: Send me a brother
Santa wrote back: Send me ur mother
------
Kissing is a habit, Making love is a GAME,
Guys get pleasure, Gals get pain!
He says love u & she believes it's TRUE,
But wen tummy gets bigger, he say 'Hell to U'
------
Pregnant gal se Doc ne pucha Yeh kab hua
Gal: Jab Mom n Dad film dekhne gaye the, mera friend ghar aaya tha.
Doc: Tum saath kyon nahin gayi
Gal: Adult movie thi...
---------
How wud u tell ur galfriend if u want to go to toilet on 1st date.
Dear I've to go to shake hands with my close friend with whom I'm going to
introduce u later
-------
Ik badmaash ik kuri nu chak ke lai janda hai te rape karna shuru kar dinda
hai.
Karda karda ruk jaanda hai te kehnda hai Hun dass kithe hai tera ashiq, je
hai dum taan...
Kudi Tu ruk na kari chal, maza aa reha hai, us kamine nu SMS padi jaan de
-------
Why do pubic hair never grey and hair on head turn grey Because utte
sochan hi sochan te thale moujan hi moujan.
---------
For toothpaste ad they show teeth.
For hair oil they show hair.
For face cream they show face.
But for Whisper they r not showing anything, that's cheating. Jaago Grahak
Jaago
--------
A prostitute goes to a school for a job
Principal: Can u teach zoology, biology, geology or physiology
Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
--------
Ladki aur chai mein hamesha 6 qualities honi chahiye
Garam ho, Tez ho, Meethi ho, Doodh jyada ho, 5 minute mein taiyyar ho, and
Raat bhar sone na de
--------
Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre
Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl
------------
Bania to petrol pumpwala: Your scheme 'Free Sex with Petrol' is a fraud.
Pumpwala: It's not fraud sir. Ask ur wife, she has already won 9 times
----------
A young blonde goes to the doc 4 a physical. The doctor puts his
stethoscope up to the gal's chest & says Big breaths.
The girl replies: Yeth & I'm not even 16
----------------
Man was smoking in a bus. Conductor No Smoking ka board nahin dikhta
Man Uske side mein 'Always Wear Condom' ka board hai, ab vo bhi laga ke
baithoon
---------
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always
remember who laid them!
-------
10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend- Truthful, Intelligent, Gentle,
Humble, Tolerant, Polite, Understanding, Sexy, Smart, Youthful. In
short -TIGHT PUSSY
-------------
A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.
Friend: How was ur first night
Man: She charged Rs 100 from me for Overspeed, 200 for wrongside entry and
Rs 500 for no helmet
--------------
School mein bachche ke papa ne teacher se kaha Madam ji Thodi aap koshish
karo, thodi hum karte hain, bachcha to nikal hi jayega...!
------------------
Ek sawaal: Duniya ka sabse mushkil kaam kya hai
Jawaab: Soye huye pappu par condom chadhaana.
------------------
Boy: If I press ur boobs & run, what'll u think ?
Girl: I'll think... Ek bewakoof, jo puri car chala sakta tha, sirf horn daba
ke bhag gaya
---------------
What did the Hen say when Rooster tried to rape her ?
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckaaak
----------
An ad in the paper Come Via_Agra... and see man's greatest erection for a
woman. The Taj Mahal...!
---------------
Boy asks a girl: How much calcium is there in woman's Breasts ?
Girl: Woman's Breasts have enough calcium to help a Man's boneless thing
standup!
-------------------
Ladki apni marzi se de to Pyar,
Dost dilaen to Uphaar,
Ghar wale dilaen to Sanskaar
Aur hum apne aap le lein to Balatkaar
-----------------
Why Newton was shocked when he saw a beautiful girl naked ?
He found his dick going up, which was against his 'Law of Gravity'
----------
A baniya has sex just on alternate days! His friend asks him the reason.
Baniya replies: Ke karen, ek din to condom sukhane mein lag jaave hai!
----------------
Y do women with large breasts have small waists
Because nothin grows under the shade
-----------
Ladies hostel warden calls electricity office & complains Aaj to aadmi
bhej do, ladkiyan 3 din se mombatti se kaam chala rahi hain
-----------------
Congratulations on the termination of ur isolation & may I express an
appreciation of ur determination to end the desperation & frustration which
has caused u so much consternation in giving u the inspiration to make a
combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
--------------------
What's the similarity between drinking a coke & sucking a tall woman's tits
Piyo sar utha ke...
------------------
The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's
got you by the balls.
-----------------
A fat electrician while having sex asks her wife: Bolo priye tumhe kya gam
hai
Wife: Swami Load Jyada aur Voltage kam hai
----------------
Dear subscriber ur sex balance is low. Ur account will be put into
virginity mode so please refuck as soon as possible to keep ur account open.
-----------------
What's the difference between Patiala Peg n Patiala Salwar
Ek chadti jaldi hai aur ek utarti jaldi hai.
-------------------
A boy comes to his class with broken specs.
Teacher: What happened ?
Boy: I was kissing my galfriend
Teacher: How could u break ur specs kissing a gal
Boy: She crossed her legs
----------------------------
What does a hen think when a cock runs after her
She thinks I hope I'm running not too fast
----------------
Y is puppy greater than dog
Coz it could wriggle out of the spot where its father got stuck!!
----------------------
Man Mistriji, bed majboot banana, mere bete ko bahu ke saath sona hai.
Mistri Aisa majboot banaunga ki saara mohalla Bahu ke saath soye to bhi
nahin tootega
----------------------
Jab Gabbar paida hua to uski maan ne us se 3-4 thappad lagaye
Gabbar's Father: Kya baat ho gayi
Mother: Kambakht paida hote hi pooch raha tha KITNE AADMI THE...
--------------------
Girl: Arey itna bada! Munh mein kaise daloongi
Boy: Jaldi munh kholo!
Girl: Oops, sare kapdey giley ho gaye.
Boy: Aur logi
Girl: Na baba, yeh golgappe tum hi khao
--------------------
Common statements by girls after the exam & the wedding night Thoda
Mushkil tha lekin Achcha tha, Kaafi lamba bhi tha, Thak gayee, Aata tha
lekin theek se kar nahin paayi
-----------------
The trouble with finding ur perfect soul mate is that she would probably
want to get married, then 4 weeks after the wedding u would meet another
perfect soul mate, with larger breasts
----------------
A lady, toweling off in front of the mirror, noticed a few gray pubic
hairs. She bent down & said to her privates I know u haven't been getting
much lately but I didn't know u were so worried about it
------------------
Judge So, when did you realise that you were raped
Prostitute When the cheque bounced!
----------------
What's fashion designing
Too many brains, with too many ideas working on too little pieces of
cloth... just to cover two little tits of a model.
----------------
A newly married girl got first class in her B.Ed exams. Her husband sent
telegram to her parents - Meena First Class in Bed!
--------------------------
The prayer of a naughty girl visiting the Chucrh
Oh Virgin Mother thou who did conceive without sinning... teach me to sin
without conceiving!
---------------------
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing it
------------------
BAR & BRA... wonder what it's about these three letters that both induce
sudden desire & thirst, anytime you see them open...
---------------
Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad
things
Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard.
----------------------
Two prostitutes were talking
We're in the best business in the world
Why's that then
Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it!
---------------
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock.
-------------------
A sexy woman is like a 1000 Rupee note. U don't know how many have handled
it but u still want to have it.
---------------------
U should be thankful to the Govt for the condition of Indian roads,
otherwise u wud have missed the beautiful view of Bouncing boobies on
scooties!
----------------------
Hey dude Congrats!!! Heard you got selected as the first male model for
Whisper Ad... 'Why Should Girls have all the Fun'
---------------------
Teacher: Hamein machcharon ko paida hone se rokna chahiye.
Student: Wo to ho hi nahin sakta.
Teacher: Kyon
Student: Kyonki itna chota condom ban hi nahi sakta.
---------------
Jab tumahara rape hua to tumne kya mehsoos kiya
Girl Ladoo agar zabardasti bhi khilaya jaye to bhi lagta to meetha hi hai.
--------------------
A rooster & cat were goin over a bridge, cat slips n falls in river.
Rooster can't stop laughing.
Moral Wherever there's a wet pussy there's a happy cock
-----------------------
A girl for first the time was handling a boy's cock. After some time some
drops came out, she asked what's that
The boy said Yeh khushi ke aansoo hain.
---------------------------
The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to
increase wetness in females... The pill will be called Niagra!
---------------------
Latest product in the market George Bush condoms.
Ideal for fuckers who don't know when to pull out.
------------------
Q: Why are condoms transparent
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
restricted!
--------------------
Don't always take things in their literal sense. Like-
When Dr says take off ur clothes.
When dentist says open wide.
When milkman says u want in the front or in the back.
When interior dec say once it is in u'll luv it.
When banker says if u take it out soon u'll lose the interest.
When the phone guy says wud u like it on table or against the wall!
----------------------------
A lady from 2nd floor asking a bananawala Kaise diye
Bananawala: Memsaab Aath mein Bara.
Lady: Saat mein Tera deta hai to oopar aaja.
-------------------------
Hey dude Congrats! Heard u got selected as the first male model for
Whisper advertisement. Why should girls have all the fun.
--------------------------------
Met a girl the other day who has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.
It's amazing, if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea!
---------------------
A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her
profession.
Prostitute: I'm a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
----------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman
A: A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
---------------
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She'll give u gud news on
Mothers` day n u'll hv a child on children`s day. Don't try this on
everybody. U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
-----------------------
It's short thing, gets longer when u hold it, and pass between women
breasts, and enters into a hole. What is it
Car Seat Belt, you dirty mind.
---------------------------
Taxi driver: Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I'm dropping to Airport
today.
Lady: But I'm not pregnant.
Driver: But we hvn't reached airport yet.
-------------------
Wives r incoming calls,
Lovers r outgoing calls,
Aunties r Toll-free calls,
Callgirls r Roaming calls,
Neighbour girls r Missed Calls.
---------------------
Heaven is when u have both girls and bottles of beer. Hell is when u
discover that the bottles have holes and the girls don't.
-------------
Medical News Patients do well when transfused chicken blood instead of
human blood
Men get more cocky and women lay better.
----------------
Shoe laces and smart men have one thing in common... They keep in touch
with severel holes simultaneously.
-------------
If u want to start business, start a Condom company named DIPPER. It'll
get free publicity on Indian trucks... Use Dipper at Night
--------------
An in-depth study has shown that the bird-flu virus hits small cocks
first. I thought i'd warn u immediately.
-----------------
What is the resemblance between a windscreen wiper & a woman
When they are wet, they do not squeak any more!
-------------
Which part of the body is most sensitive while watching adult movies
Guess
Ha ha, U R wrong. It's ur ears to make sure ki koi aa to nahin raha.
-------------
The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer
before making love.
--------------
Young man asks an older man Sir, what is retrenchment
Older man: Retrenchment is when u r replaced by a computer at work and a
vibrator at home.
-------------
Condom to whisper Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.
------------
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.
-------------
Singboard outside a prostitute's house Married MEN not allowed. We serve
the needy, not the greedy...
------------
Yesterday's news An aunty was raped while jogging.
Today's news More aunties found jogging.
------------
A policemen arrested a prostitute
Gal I'm a saleswoman not prostitute.
Police What r u selling.
GalIm selling condoms & offering a FREE DEMO
------------
How do Municipal Buses help in Family Planning
By spreading the Message KRIPYA PEECHHE SE CHADHIYE
------------
Written on the T-Shirt of a girl
SITUATORY WARNING Objects inside the T-Shirt are larger than they appear
from outside.
---------
Palat k Dekh Jaalim,
Tamanna hum bhi rakhte hai,
Husn tum rakhti ho to jawaani hum bhi rakhte hai,
Gehrai tum rakhti ho to Lambai hum bhi rakhte hai.
-----------
Hindi class mein master ki pant ki zip khul dekh Ladkiyan zor se
hasnelagi.
Masterji bole Zyada hehe ki to bahar nikaal kar khada kar doonga.
-------------
Father: Tell me the name of the bastard who made u pregnant
Daughter: Daddy if u eat fifteen bananas, can u tell which one made u fat
------------------
Why is golf called a wrong game
Coz u hold a stick n put the ball in the hole instead of holding the ball n
putting the stick in the hole.
------------
Balatkari Baba ka b'day kal GB Road pe dhoom dhaam se manaya jayega. Blue
film & bahut si adult samagri bhi baanti jaeygi. SMS sirf khaas tharkiyon ko
bheja ja raha hai.
-------------
What women don't really understand For a man, his friends r like his
balls. Very close to him, constantly at hand n always hanging around
seemingly doing nothin, but without em he's simply not a complete man.
-------------
Why is sex like shaving
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to
do it again...
--------------
Johny Johny
Yes Papa
Fuckin Gashties
Yes Papa
Wearing condom
No Papa
Getting AIDS HA HA HA
Send to all careless fuckers.
-----------
During a sexual session, the gal says U r like a mobile phone!
He asks Do I vibrate a lot
Gal No, when u get into the tunnel, u loose signal.
-----------
In chemistry class teacher asked a gal What r nitrates
Ladki ne sharma ke kaha Night rates r costlier then day.
-------------
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to
the bottom, while getting a raise.
-----------
Man Doc mera khada nahi hota hai.
Doc R u married
NO.
Do u hv a gf
NO.
Do u go to prostitutes
NO.
Doc To khada karke kya calander tangega
-----------------
Smoking one cigarette makes your life 11 minutes shorter. A good fuck
makes it last 15 minutes longer. So smokers...FUCK FOR YOUR LIFE!
-----------
I only have SEX on days that begin with T Tuesday, Thursday, Today,
Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday and Tevery other day!
-------------
Women eh! Boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies & clits.
Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines & legs waxed & they won't take it up the arse
'coz it HURTS!
---------------
If a married woman is called 'Polo... The mint with a hole' Then what's an
unmarried woman called...
CENTER FRESH
-----------
New AIDS awareness slogan Try different positions with the same woman
instead of same position with different women.
----------------
Q: What's the definition of a Menstrual Period
A: A bloody waste of fukin time!
----------------------
An old lady owned two dogs. One day they both died, so she took them to
the taxidermist.
So u want them mounted
No. Holding hands will do just fine.
---------------
Q: What's the closest thing to a woman's period
A: Your salary. It comes once a month lasts about 3-4 days and if it doesn't
come everythings fucked.
-----------------
Q: How do we know men invented maps
A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile!
----------------------
Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2 vibrator
I don't know why you are fuckin shaking, she's goin 2 eat me!
------------------
A man meets a lady at a bar and says Hi, what' ur name
She replies Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what's urs
Man Beer cunt!
-------------
Women r like a pair of rubber boots. When they r dry, u can't enter them,
when they r wet, they smell & when u walk on the street with them, people
laugh at u.
-------------------
Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives
DrinKING,
LicKING,
SucKING,
FcKING,
WnKING !
------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!
------------------------
After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks Do you want more sex
She says No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it.
--------------------
A gal tells her Doctor I've got a bad discharge.
Dr Drop ur knickers.
He fingers her & says how's it feel
Gal Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.
------------
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only
10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fukin salty!
-----------------
A reasent studdi haz chown thet peapel hoo aar amezing in bed ar krapp at
spelin!
-----------------------
What's the diff between hook in cricket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.
-----------------------
When nobody luvs u, nobody cares 4 u, nobody think about u, every1 ignores
u, then go n sit in the corner close ur eyes n think Bhanchd Chakar kya
hai
-----------------------
Jack & Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
--------------------------
Workers discuss cricket! Managers discuss tennis! Top bosses discuss
Snooker! CEO's discuss Golf!
Moral Higher u go smaller ur balls become!
-----------------------
Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai
Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke baad uski ma bolti hai, Hey Bhagwan yeh tune
kya kiya.
----------------------
If the penis is hard & erect it needs good fuck, if it's erect but soft it
needs good suck, if it's neither hard nor erect, it needs Good luck!
As a man goes older, it is harder and harder for him to grow harder.
----------------.
Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
-----------------------
Q: Why are men like a toothbrush
A: They are useless without handle.
---------------------
When I was born I got the choice a major dick or a fine memory. I am not
able to remember what I did choose.
----------------------------------.
Thought for the day In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road
and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
---------------------
Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.
-----------------
Q: What do you call Afghan virgin
A Never Bin LaDen
--------------------------
Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mr in it; Female has male in it; She has He
in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!
-----------------------------.
Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to
film ka naam kya hota
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!
-------------------------------
Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi
number laga to balance nil ho gya
--------------------------
A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek We gave sex to the world.
Italians Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
------------------------
Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and
who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.
------------------------
Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!
-----------------------
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
--------------
Q: What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide and a
virgin
A: One is trying to die and the other one is dying to try.
----------------
What do u usually say after Sex
I Luv U
Wrong!
That was great
Wrong again!
I Luv it
Wrong again!
The Ans Mera Kachha Kithe Hai!
-------------------
Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes
A Almost boobs
B Barely there
C Can do
D Damn good
E Enormous
and F for Fake.
--------------------------------
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
----------------------
Doctor You look terribly weak and exhausted! R u having your meals 3
times a day as I advised
Lady Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
---------------------
Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and
shapeless later.
-------------------
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about
it, the harder it gets.
----------------------
Lightest muscle is a man's PENIS. It can be raised by a woman's TONGUE!
Strongest muscle is a man's TONGUE! It can raise a woman's LEGS!
-------------------
Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market soon,
thatll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO!
---------------------
Taking a clue from recent budget, a call girl now charges extra for ANAL
entry. She calls it 'Turnover' tax.
----------------------
A survey by Cosmo states that women who sleep on their side are sensitive,
on stomach are competent and on their back with legs in the air are very
popular.
------------------
Q: Why do pubic hair never grey and hair on head turn grey
A: Because utte sochan hi sochan te thale moja hi moja.
----------------
Mr Elahi had 3 sons named Rehmet-e-Elahi, Barkat-e-Elahi, n
Mehbub-e-Elahi.
When his 4th son was born his wife decided to name him Bus-Kar-e-Eelahi
---------------------
A 95 yr old man sucks his 90 yr old wife's breast for half hour and drinks
two drops of milk and dies.
Postmortem report Died because of drinking something after expiry date.
------------------------
Q: What did one ant say to the other while climbing up Prince Charles'
leg
A: Meet you at the royal ball.
--------------------
Karamchand to his secretary Today u hv not worn up panties, y Sec U r a
gr8 detective. How did u come 2 know this KC Today, I saw dandruff on your
shoes!
------------------
Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them
A: To pay tribute to men who got burried at these 2 places.
---------------------
A bachelor gives an AD in a matrimonial.
Wanted - Girl Age no bar, looks no bar, Money no bar, But SEX Baar-baar,
Hazaar bar...... Lagataar....!
------------------------------
If the penis is hard & erect it needs good fuck,
if its erect but soft it needs good suck,
if its neither hard nor erect, it needs good luck!
--------------------
One day the penis tells the balls
Tonight v r goin 4 a party!
The balls reply, U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left
outside!
----------------------
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad girls make it hot by loosening
a few buttons!
-----------------------
3 Facts of Life
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.
-----------------------
Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke badd uski ma bolti
hai HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA.
--------------------
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
-------------------------------
Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still together.
Who Your bum cheeks!!
---------------------------
A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives love.
Who opens her legs receives happyness.
------------
Latest porn releases Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As
It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.
---------------------------
Nipple, Nipple don't b far,
let me press u in my car,
up above the chest so high,
always milky never dry,
let me suck u don't feel shy, in the bra u'll die.
----------------------
If you assume you may make an ASS out of U and ME, but if you don't assume,
nothing gets done.
-----------------
Feelin bored Think of me.
Feelin sad Call me.
Feelin lonely See me.
Feelin horny Use ur hand & njoy d art of messaging me.
--------------------
Smoking one cigarette makes your life 11 minutes shorter. A good fuck
makes it last 15 minutes longer. So smokers...FUCK FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
-------------------------
Q What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A Both are sweet n tight in the beginning but become tasteless n shapeless
later.
-----------------------
Confucious say Man have more hair on chest than woman - but on the (w)hole woman
have more.
-------------------------
What's common between the sun & women's underwear
a) Both are hot
b) Both look better while going down
c) Both disappear by night.
-------------------------------
Behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man, but behind a
SATISFIED woman there is an EXHAUSTED man.
-------------------------------
One day 2 sperms were talking from inside a man
1st sperm yaar main bada hoke docter banunga.
2nd sperm yaar main to lawyer banunga.
After masturbation by that man 1st sperm says
SAALE NE CAREER BARBAD KAR DIYA...
................
Banta went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He was there, sipping his drink
when Santa came up and said, Is that you Banta?
Banta said, My name is Banta, but I don’t think I know you.
Santa said, Sure you do, its me, Santa. We used to work at the same office
together before it closed down.
Santa said, Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy
clothes. We got good money when we were laid off. What happened?
Santa said, I blew it all on cars, women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but
look at you, Banta. All the best clothes and I've seen your swell car outside.
How did you do it?
Banta said, Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have
some money, Mumbai is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house.
On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and women. On the second
floor homo sex - you know, men screwing men, and on the third floor paedophile
sex for those who like children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was
hard work - just me, the wife, and the kids.
...................
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.
...............
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them
...............
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
...............
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
An hour of begging.
...............
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
...............
Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them.
...............
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
...............
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
...............
Why God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
...............
What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
...............
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you
have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
...............
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
...............
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep
...............
Why is it good for young boys to read P