Miscellaneous
Jokes
HEY, 'TIS MULLAH NAZER-UD-DIN!
1. Mullah, the Judge, commented after listening to the petitioner, "You're
right"
Then it was the turn of the defendant.
Mullah said to him, "You're right"
"But Mullah, how can both be right?", one wondered.
"Oh! You're right!"
2. "Mullah, which is more useful to us, Sun or the Moon?", asked the
King.
"No doubt Your honour, it's the Moon"
"Why?"
"That we're in need of light at night and not in day!"
3. Mullah shouted at his neighbour:
"How can I trust you? I had no hope of getting my money back when you
borrowed last time. And you gave it back! Now you're again at my door. How can
I pay you this time? I've lost my faith in you!"
......................................................................................................
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell
and asks "What do they do here? "He is told "First they put you
in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out
the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of
people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and
whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt
servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen..."
......................................................................................................
There were a lot of stories upon Balwant Singh, a minister of Nehru Cabinet. In
one of them, his P.A. received a telegram which said, "Mother is no
more". The P.A. left for home immediately after leaving the telegram on
his Boss's table to let him know of it. When the telegram caught his attention,
Mr. Singh began to cry, thinking it was for himself. His second P.A. tried to
make things clear but in vain. Mr. Sing said he didn't want to hear anything
and that he is rushing home to see his mother's body. But the P.A. could not
let him do so. He made him remember that his mother had died 8 years ago. Singh
said, "Yes, it is. Then what is the meaning of this?"
......................................................................................................
It was the time of Second World War. One night, Hitler had to deliver a special
live speech through the BBC TV. He asked one of the taxicabs to take him to the
BBC. The driver refused and said that he was going home to watch Hitler on TV.
The Hitler was so pleased and gave him a gold coin. "Hell with Hitler. Get
in Sir, I'll drop you"
......................................................................................................
God created the donkey and said to him, "You will be a donkey. You will
work un-tiring from sunrise to sunset, carrying burdens on your back. You will
eat grass. You will have no intelligence. And you will 50 years."
The donkey answered, "Thank you, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me
only 20 years." His wish was granted.
God created the dog and said to him, "You will guard the house of man. You
will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you. And you
will live 30 years. You will be a dog."
The dog answered, "Sir, to live 30 years is too much. Give me only 15
years." God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him, "You will be a monkey. You will
swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live
20 years."
The monkey answered, "Sir, to live 20 years is too much. Give me only 10
years." God granted his wish.
God created man and said to him, "You will be man, the only rational
creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become
master over all the animals. you will dominate the world and you will live 20
years."
Man responded, "Sir, To live only 20 years is too little. Give me the 30
years the donkey refused, the 15 years that dog did not want, and the 10 years
the monkey refused." God granted man's wish.
And since then, man lives a man's life for 20 years, then marries and spends 30
years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back, then
when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the
house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old he can retire
and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house from one son or
daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grand children.
......................................................................................................
God made Ten commandments:
(1) the prologue and prohibition of the worship of any deity but God; (2)
prohibition of idolatry; (3) prohibition of the use of the name of God for vain
purposes; (4) observance of the sabbath; (5) honouring of one's father and
mother; (6) prohibition of murder; (7) prohibition of adultery; (8) prohibition
of stealing; (9) prohibition of giving false testimony; (10) prohibition of coveting
the property or wife of one's neighbour.
God approached the American first. He read it carefully. First one, Second,
third, ...okay. Seeing the 7th one, he gave it back and left the place soon.
God then approached the British, who made objection on the prohibition of
coveting others' property. He smellt the possibility of losing all those
colonies. He said Good-bye.
God approached the Indian. He demanded a change in the very first one.
God approached the Jew next. He didn't look at the manuscript but asked how
much he had to pay for it. He was a merchant. God said he won't have to pay
any. So he accepted it.
(Rev. Dr. Z. M. Muzhoor said this story.)
......................................................................................................
It was British Army's first day in Indian Continent. They found no way to get
rid of mosquitoes and slipped under heavy blankets though it was extremely hot.
After a couple of sleepless hours, one of them peeped out and saw some
fireflies. He cried, "Guys, there's no chance, they are back with lanterns
!"
......................................................................................................
From "Chariot" (poems) by Emily Dickens, the US poet(wrote two days
before her death at the age of 78):
"Till age 13 since 5, I was like Continent Africa, lying undiscovered.
Between 17 and 25 I was like Asia, terribly hot.
From 25 to 35 I was like America, completely explored.
35 to 60 I was Europe, remained fully utilized.
60 to 76 I'm like continent Australia. Every one knows such a place exists
somewhere, and none cares."
......................................................................................................
Beggar: "Please give me some money, Sir. I haven't had a piece of bread
for the last two days"
House owner: "Of course, but I don't see any coin here around. D'you have
change for 100 rupees ?"
Beggar: "Yes Sir"
House owner: "Then go and have some food with it. I'll wait here."
......................................................................................................
A Well looking Man entered the Bar and asked for a peg. After that, he said it
was his birthday and he wanted every one in the bar be given a drink for his
pleasure. The Bartender, who was the owner himself, was pleased with this
customer. The next drink was offered to the owner himself. Then the customer
wanted to serve one more peg to all. Hesitated, the Bar man insisted for the
payment. Customer said he didn't have a penny. On examining his body, he was
proved right. The Bar man gone mad and the client was badly beaten up and
thrown out. He slept there on the road and when he woke up next morning, came
back to the Bar and said he wanted to treat everyone for his pleasure, except
the Bar man. "You're so bad when you're drunk", he said.
......................................................................................................
After a regular fight, both husband an wife were sitting near fire. Their pets,
a dog and a cat were lying nearby silently, looking at the fire. Wife said,
"Dear, look at them, have you ever seen 'em quarrelled with each other ?
How calm and quite they are !"
"But honey," said husband, "think of tying them both with a
single chain ?"
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The Vicar of a Parish once settled the dispute of a couple over the decision
making in household affairs. He suggested that in all minor cases, let the wife
make decision. Only the major cases will go to the husband. It worked. When he
saw them again, he was glad to hear that the couple never had to face any
'major' case in all those years.
......................................................................................................
Son asks difference between confidence and confidential.
Dad says, u are my son, I am confident.
Ur friend is also my son, it's confidential...
......................................................................................................
"Teacher, Mathew jumped out through the window."
"The way his father came in !"
......................................................................................................
Types of Moustache in Kerala:
Mammootty style = It's okay
Mohanlal (old) style = I am sorry
Janardhanan style = I am very sorry
Mohanlal (new) / Meesha Madhavan style = Who are you ?
......................................................................................................
Dennis the Menace: "I got some bad advice from my conscience"
......................................................................................................
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical & a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.
......................................................................................................
A brain is what a man looks for in a woman, after he has looked at everything
else.
......................................................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.. telling him he was wrong all
the time.
......................................................................................................
She has a very clean mind - probably because she changes it every few minutes.
......................................................................................................
Marriages are made in heaven; celebrated on earth, and lived in hell.
......................................................................................................
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
......................................................................................................
When a man marries a woman, they become one. The trouble starts when they try
to decide which one.
......................................................................................................
In the beginning days of marriage, it's the wife who practices the art of
listening; After some days it's the husband's turn; Then it's the neighbours'
turn to hear them both.
......................................................................................................
He's an excellent house keeper. Every time he gets a divorce, he keeps the
house.
......................................................................................................
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
......................................................................................................
Modern executive is a man who talks golf around the office all morning and
business around the golf course all afternoon.
......................................................................................................
Education kills by degrees.
......................................................................................................
Sports do not build character; they reveal it.
......................................................................................................
A parent always has another chance.
......................................................................................................
Money, like the new year solutions, is easier made than kept.
......................................................................................................
"A good drinker should always know when to finish drinking. For example,
look at those two men in the reception. You should stop when you begin to think
there are four of them."
"But master, there is only one !"
......................................................................................................
A good looking Vaarasiar girl caught the attention of a Nambootiri. He said,
"Think I'm coming to your vaariam tonight. Let's have some fun."
She refused politely.
"OK, then I'll come right now. I hope to learn ASHTAADHYAYI from
you."
She was shocked, "But I don't know it all."
"That's what I told you first, you seem to know only one thing."
......................................................................................................
There was a man who wanted to meet his sister who lived across the Atlantic
Ocean and since he was afraid of flying, he prayed to God and requested him to
build a bridge across the ocean so that he could drive down in his car. God
replied in exasperation:
"Do you know what you are asking for? Building a bridge that long is an
enormous task requiring thousands of people and tonnes of material. You want me
to do all that for your selfish desire? Ask for something else and I will bless
you"
The man, after pondering for a while, replied: "I have been wanting to
know what makes a woman tick and what makes her happy? Please help me
understand."
God replied instantly: "Do you want two lanes or four?"
......................................................................................................
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance,
the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid
hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the
upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second
member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same
direction taken by the first team member.
or,
JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL
TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER
JACK FELL DOWN AND BROKE HIS CROWN
AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER
......................................................................................................
sher ki shaadi thi, saare sher naach rahe the, ek chuha
bhi naach raha tha
sabne poochha "aap yahan kaise?"
usne kaha "shaadi se pehle main bhi sher tha..!"
......................................................................................................
Computer is female, because,
1. No one other than its creator can understand its internal logic
2. No one can understand the way of communication between them
3. It's able to keep in mind the slightest mistake and recall it frequently
4. If you get one, you've to spend more than half of your income to get the
accessories for it
Computer is male, because,
1. If you want to assign a job to it, you should first switch it on
2. Though it has a bulk amount of data, it is incapable of thinking about
itself.
3. It's supposed to solve your problems, but most of the time, it's creating
problems.
4. When you get one, a newer model already hits the market. - You'd be jealous
on it.
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Truths Of Life
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go
wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared
for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because
fools are so ingenious.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than
a thin person.
Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the
next freeway exit.
Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the
right thing.
Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
somebody moves the ends.
Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that
which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi
driver behind you blowing his horn.
Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in
private.
The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.
Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop
breathing.
Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
causes of statistics.
The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will
fall so as to do the most damage.
Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a
cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
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Deadly Scrabble
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or
is deadly at Scrabble.
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
----------------------------
Scientific
methods to catch Veerappan:
1. Newton's Method: Let Veerappan catch you. For every action there is equal
and opposite reaction.------------------Implies you caught Veerappan.
2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of Veerappan. Due to
higher relative velocity, Veerappan will also run faster and will get tired
soon. Now you can trap him easily.
3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that Veerappan will be cutting sandal trees in the jungle. So set the sandal
trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and
enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to Veerappan.
Veerappan is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
everything to pass it except Veerappan. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differentiation Method: Integrate the forest over the entire
area. Veerappan is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result
PARTIALLY w.r.t Veerappan to trace out Veerappan.
7. The Banta Singh's Method: Don't even try. You'll get caught by Veerappan!
*********************************************************
TAMIL JOKES:
Q: What's the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
A: Comepalakrishnan.
Q: What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?
A: Subramanium Didn't See Me.
Q: How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
A: Ready...Steady...PO
Q: What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
A: Rangamannar Rangarajan.
Q: How does a Tamilian introduce the tennis superstar Lendl?
A: ivan Lendl (Ivan 'he' in Tamil).
Q: What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan ?
A: Nikkumo Nikkado (Will it or wont it stand?)
Q: What is the difference between Kunnankudi Vaidyanathan and Gandhi?
A: One is a violanist, the other is a non-violanist!
MALAYALEE JOKES:
Q: What do you call an amazing Malayalee?
A: Pheno Menon.
Q: What do you call a dashing Malayalee?
A: Debo Nair.
Q: What do you call a Malayalee drunkard?
A: Kutty Sark.
Q: Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral?
A: Four to carry the coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one music
player.
Q: Why did the Malayalee cross the road?
A: To join the trade union on the other side.
SINDHI
JOKES:
What do you call:
A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rin-dani (Rin is a Detergent)
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lal-wani (Lal for the red communist flag)
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani (Chai-pani is colloquial for bribe')
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A Sindhi with six knees : Sahani ( Shaha knee)
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani (Thud-ani)
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani (Cripple-ani)
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Mar-jani
Q: Why are Sindhi's nostrils big?
A: Because air is free
MAHARASHTRIAN JOKES:
Q: What is a gay Maharashtrian called?
A: Deccan Queen
Q: What do you call a modern Maharashtrian?
A: Western Ghat.
Q: What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor?
A: Sadashiv.
Q: Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?'
A: Dhaval Gore and Krishnakant Kale.
Q: What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian?
A: Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi Karate.
GUJJU JOKES:
Q: Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a
woman?
A: Because his name was 'Ben'Kingsley.
Q: Why does the Gujju go to London?
A: To see his Big Ben.
Q: Why does the Gujju take a 2-in-1 to the bathroom?
A: Because his mom said that water came out of the tape (tap)
Q: Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea?
A: Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes with it. (snacks)
Q: What is a Gujju picnic called?
A: A snake in the grass
Q: Why did the Gujju wear a Tuxedo to his vasectomy?
A: If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent (important).
Q: Why did the American get scared of the Gujju?
A: Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'
Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?
A: His son failed in statistics.
Q: Maro dikro Dubai gayo?
A: My son drowned.
Q: Why was the Gujju stacking up pennies on the day before exams?
A: He wanted to get cent-par-cent.
Q: Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on tv ?
A: Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in gujju is 2)
Q: What do you call a knee less gujju ?
A: Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)
BENGALI JOKES:
Q: An angry Bengali letter?
A: Chitti-chitti Bong Bong
Q: A talkative Bengali?
A: Bulbul Chatterjee
Q: An outlawed Bengali?
A: Kanoon Banerjee
Q: An enlightened Bengali?
A: Jyoti Basu
Q: A Bengali who works?
A: A work of fiction
Q: A stupid Bengali girl?
A: Balika Buddhu
Q: A Bengali marriage?
A: Bedding
Q: A Bengali voyeur?
A: Keyhollo
Q: A mad Bengali?
A: In Sen (insane)
Q: A dark Bengali who lives in a cave?
A: Kalidas Guha
Q: A Bengali mobster?
A: Robin Ganguli
Q: A perfumed Bengali?
A: Chandan Dass
Q: A Bengali goldsmith?
A: Shonar Bongla
Q: What s bigger than the state of Bengal?
A: The Bay of Bengal
Q: What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal?
A: The Bengali Ego
Q: When does a Bengali sound like a dog? When he says Bow (wow)
A: Also when he bharks (works).
Q: Why was the Bengali fired from being salesman at Raymond's retails store?
A: Everytime someone asked him what the material was, he replied
"Terrybool".
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can_t stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is a kamat restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around.
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste category.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a bhelwala / panipuri wala.
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is an Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fistfight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC_s and MC_s.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
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General Musharaf, Vajpayee, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a
train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and ... it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Vajpayee are sitting there
looking perplexed. Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an
apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: Musharaf must have tried to kiss that girl and has
got slapped.
Musharaf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss the girl,
she thought it was me and slapped me.
The girl is thinking: "Musharaf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed
Vajpayee instead and got slapped."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could
make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf again."
......................................................................................................
In
the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
......................................................................................................
A
man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
......................................................................................................
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
......................................................................................................
First
guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
......................................................................................................
How
do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry did for free.
......................................................................................................
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
......................................................................................................
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
......................................................................................................
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
......................................................................................................
A
little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
......................................................................................................
Death of a Virgin
Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she
had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said.
"Jennie,
when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way
I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and
explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there
were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.
Jennie complained that those were her sister's dying request. The gravestone
maker assured her that he would do his best. After a month the gravestone maker
called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with
her dead sisters wishes as best he could. Jennie looked at the tombstone and
across the top was her sister's name just as she asked, and underneath was
printed.
'RETURNED - UNOPENED'
......................................................................................................
"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are
easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I
wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When
you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
......................................................................................................
Dear
,
You are my TVS SCOOTY ( First Love) and also my AIWA (PURE PASSION)
I always BPL ( Believe in best ) and you are SANSUI ( Better than best ).
You are MC DOWEL'S ( Mera number one ) love LA O PALA ( Made for one) I believe
in FRESHIYA ( Gorepan se jyade khoobsurti ka wada) and you are one of the most
Beautiful in this world ! think of you day and night when you give me one and
only Smile you are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile per day ) for
me. This is COLGATE ENERGY GEL ( Seriously fresh ) feeling for me.
I would like, you should be my life partner I think you are worry abut your
Father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( The unshakable) and also think of my
Father who is CEAT ( Born tough) but don't worry I am also FORD ICON ( The Josh
Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATOR ( The coolest one)It
they will say no we will run away and marry and PHILIPS ( Lets make things
better) They feel MIRINDA ( Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we Coca Cola ( Jo
chahe ho Jaye Coca cola enjoy) Trust in God who's always NOKIA ( Connecting
people ) those who love each other. And we are Wills ( Made for each Other).
After some time our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITAL (All are invited) We are HERO
HONDA ( Leading the way) of our love life. Then our life is BOLERO (Break
free).
Now HUNDAI ( we are listening ) the song of love you must know that love is
DAIRY MILK ( The real taste of life ) SATYAM ON LINE (Fun fast easy ) , PARX (
always comfortable) and also AMUL ( The real taste of India) for me life is
HOME TRADE ( Life means more) So never forget me.
OK bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Ye dil mange More)
LG [ Digitally yours]
......................................................................................................
From Malayalam Movie : " Bin laden um 41 bheekaranmaarum "
Jayan: Newyork il thakarnnu veena Worldddd Trade Centerrrrinte avashishtangal
kittiyirunnekillllll... mookkupodi aakkaamaayirunnooooo..Hentammeeyyyyyyy..
Nazir: Hahh... Lokanaar kaavilammayaaney sathyam... asathyam, asathyamm...eee
world trade center thakarnnathinu purakil baalan k nair aano ennan ente
balamaaya viswasam.. nhan sheela ye vilichirunnu.. aa bhagyam, avalkku
kuzhappam onnum illa.. athu kondu enikkum kuzhappam illa..
Madhu: aaaraaada paatteee ee bin laden? pand~ aayirathi thollayirathi arupathi
moonnil umaaa stzhudio undayirunna kaalath nhangal moonnu naalu per chernn
world trade center bomb vachu thakarkkan oru plan ittu.. polinju...world trade
center allaaa.. plannn.. karuthammaaa.. nee urangiyo?
Mohanlal: Newyork iley theruvukaliloodey vellamadichu nadakkunna oru kochu
kuttiyaanu nhan.. Eee bin laden nnokke parayumbo, ente shreeram
virakkunnu..entha ippo cheyyyaaa... pazhya poley aaa sahkthi angid~ kittanillya
vararey.. allenkil avanteyokke nenjin kood pilarnn~ athil ninnum ittu veezhunna
raktham kudikkan kaathu nilkkunna theruvupattiye poley oraal aayeney nhan..
athukond~, nhan parayukayaan, nee pooo(**) money dineshaa.. nee po.... nee
poyittu pinne vaaa
Mammootty: World Trade Center enna building inte aathmaav~, soul, athu
thottariyaanulla sense undavanam, sensibility undavanam, sensitivity
undavanam.. annu nee aaakshepichu purathaakkiya aa saadhu manushyanilley,bin laden..
bin laden ney polulla anekaayiram paavangalude thyagathinteyum
nombarathinteyum, kannerinteyum phalamaanu ee world trade center..Ithinteyonnum
artham varshaa varsham FBI academy ada vachu purathirakkunna ninne polulla
snobukalkku manassilaavilla.. now comeon Mr., tell me who did that..? aaru
cheythu ee maha karmam.. mmm parayanam...
Suresh Gopi: Bull shit.. 11 varsham mumbu idukki daminte chief engineer
aayirunna sakhavu sadham hussain inte koodey kedaya generatorinu jeevan
nalkanulla technology anveshichu canadail oyirunnu.. aa yathra
chennavasaanichathu america yilaan.. kallum kanjavaum, brown sugar um vittu
kaashakkunna kodikal kondu ammanamaadunna america.. high tech inteyum blue chip
inteyum newyork.. bin laden... hmmm.. avantammedey nair.. ee bharath chandran
onnu murukki thuppiyaal.. afghanu polumaavilla ninne rakshikkan.. just
september that..!!
Indrans: aaahhahaa.. ooohuhooo.. enth~ rasam.. muthalaali sathya sandhathayude
mukham kandittundo? illenkil thaa.. newyorkilottu nokk.. aayiravum randayiravum
alla, thollaryiram pera avidey marichath..
Maamukoya: assalamu alaikkum.. alllahh padachoney.. ee kalla himarukalellam
koodi nhammal~ kakkanmaarey kuttam parayanathenthinaann~.. aa nayinte mon bin
laden kazhinja vishu vinu vangiya bombo, missile, bakki vannathu evideyenkilum
kondu pottikkandey, waste aakkaruthallo ennu vicharichu pottichathaavum..
Oduvil: Avan aalu gaja pokkiriya.. siva siva.. yudham vannal konakathinte okke
vila kooduo aavo? Henthappo cheyyaa.. konakam udukkillya athra thanne..
Jayaram: Money.. bin laada, chakkarakuttanalleda.. maamante munnilekku vaaa..
maaman americayil kondu poyi disney landum, world trade center um pentaganum,
okke kanichu tharamm... vaada kuttaaa.. (a short silence..)Varaaana paranjath..
Jagathi: Lo.. laven.. vin ladhey.. lavan entharaokkeyo cheythennu karuthi, ee
madukkoose george bush inganey chakra swasam valikkunnathenthinaa..? hentey
aattukaal ammacheee.. eda mahapapee.. ninnodu omar mullah polum porukkilla..
Innocent: Bin Laden.. kettittind~.. kettittind~.. oru paadu kettittind~..
irinjalakkudayil school vidhyabhyasam poorthiyaaki afghanistaniley etho
polytechnic il padikkyaayirunnilley avan.. ee kayyil kidannu valarnnavanaa..
ippo enthaayi..? Hamerica nnu kettal avanu pulla...
Jagadeesh: Echooose me.. aake prasnaaayee nna thonnanath... ee bin laden nte
veettil chodikkanum parayanum aarumille? avanu oru jodi pashukkaley vangi
kodukkan innu thanne narendran sir inodu parayam.. hammoo.. newyork iley WTC
veenappo ente nattellinte medulla oblangutta pottiya maathiyiyaa.. athum koddey
cherthu 2 divasathe casual cum kondingency leave um edukkam..
Nayanar: Jai marpapa.. aara george bushaa..? nha bushey, enthokkey ind~
bishesham? nhaa.. nhaaa.. arinju.. malayalamanora il vayichu.. eeyy oru karyam
cheyy.. oru velutha paper il oru haraji thayyarakki athinte moonu copy eduthu
orennam enakkum, pinnorennam bin laden um, pinne verorennam newyork area
committee oppicelekkum ayachu kod.. alla pinney.. (to the telephone operator)
bin laden nammadey aala..
Leader: Newyork il thakarnnu veenath WTC trade center mathamalla,
athilundayirunna office ukalum koodi aan.. lokamaha yudham undavaney ennu
kazhinja maasam guruvayooril poyappozhum prarthichirunnu.. krishna krishna..jai
guruvayoorappa..
Nostradamus: the kingdom of human will be attacked one day.. or another day..
there will be light and sound.. and after the explosion they go away..next day
sun will rise in the east, and set in the west.. all that glitters are not
gold.. early bird catches the pray.. barking bulls seldom ...............
......................................................................................................
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the
maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
......................................................................................................
Its worth reading till the end...READ TILL THE END
The following is a story narrated by the famous Sh G. Narayan, which serves as
a lesson for survival in today's context.
A hare and a tortoise live in Ahmedabad. They are good friends and like all
good friends , sometimes have a dig at each other. One day , in a light mood
the hare ridiculed the tortoise for his slow pace. The tortoise reacted by
challenging the hare for a race between Paldi to Navarangpura. On the appointed
day and time the two assemble at the starting line and start the race. The hare
dashes off the start line like a flash. After crossing the
midway mark, he feels that a short nap would do no harm. The short nap turned
out to be a bit too long. Meanwhile the tortoise crosses the hare and reaches
the destination. The hare wakes from the slumber, oblivious of the time, and
dashes off towards the finish. To his dismay he finds the tortoise having a nap
at the finish line.
The moral of the story is "Slow and steady wins the race." The
story does not end here.....
The hare goes home and soon understands that complacency and overconfidence
were the reasons of his defeat. He vows not to repeat the mistake again. He
then invites the tortoise for another race. The tortoise agrees to his friend's
request. They meet at the appointed day and time at the starting point. The
race starts. This time the hare dashes off to the finishing line without taking
a break and wins the race comfortably.
The moral of the story is "Fast and steady wins the race". The
story does not end here.....
The tortoise goes home and thinks hard. He was aware that the hare cannot be
defeated in speed. He then ponders over his core competence. At last he finds a
solution and invites the hare to another race. This time the course is changed.
It is from Paldi to Airport. The hare agrees. At the appointed day and time the
two meet at the start line and the race begins. The hare dashes off like a
flash. Soon he arrives at the banks of river Sabarmati and is overwhelmed by a
sense of dejection as he did not know how to swim. The
tortoise comes to the bank, looks at the hare with sympathy and coolly gets
into the water. He swims to the other side goes to the airport and comes back.
The moral of the story is "Core competence wins the race." But
the story does not end here.....
Both the friends decide it was enough of racing against each other. Why not
think hard and find a way by which they together could travel from Paldi to
airport at the minimum possible time. At the end of a brain storming session
they come out with a solution and decide to try out the next morning. At the
appointed time they meet at the starting line. The tortoise sits on the back of
the hare. The hare dashes off form Paldi to the banks of Sabarmati. There the
hare gets on the back of the tortoise and the tortoise swiftly crosses
the river. On reaching the other side the tortoise again sits on the back of
the hare. The hare runs as fast as he can to the airport. Thus they both reach
airport in the fastest
possible time.
The moral of the story is "INNOVATION AND TEAM WORK WINS THE RACE"
......................................................................................................
©
Getting mail.
© Falling in love.
© Laughing so hard your face hurts.
© A hot shower.
© Hearing your favorite song on the audio system
© Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
© Chocolate milkshake.
© A long distance phone call.
© A bubble bath.
© Giggling.
© A good conversation with dear ones.
© Laughing at yourself.
© Midnight phone calls that last for hours
© Running through sprinklers.
© Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
© Laughing at an inside joke.
© Friends.
© Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
© Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
© Having someone play with your hair.
© Sweet dreams.
© Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.
© Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling
stupid.
© Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
© Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
© Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...
© Holding hands with someone you care about.
© Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
© Hugging the person you love.
© Watching the sunrise.
© Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
© and having ... with ...
......................................................................................................
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the
men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.
Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line
for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the
line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one
of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
......................................................................................................
Difference between "somebody you Love"& "somebody you Like"
In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you like, you get happy.
In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.
If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush
But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.
In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind
But in front of the person you like, you can.
In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy
But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.
You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.
When the one you love is crying, you cry with them
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.
The feeling of love starts from the eye
But the feeling of like starts from the ear.
So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover
your ears.
But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains
in your heart forever ...
But if that person you love is gone,you dont know what to do and your heart
stop to beat for a while.
If the person you like is gone,you are happy for him/her and wish that person
all the luck.
So if you love a person say it with all you heart, they might not come back to
you.
And if you like a person, just keep in touch.
......................................................................................................
I
do have a fun quiz. This is supposed to the world's most easiest quiz that you
can ever take. There are 10 questions and the answers are given towards the
end.
If you have time (or when you have time) read through:-)
(Passing requires 8 correct answers...the answers to the quiz are below)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
- All done? Check your answers below !
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
- 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
- Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
-Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
- November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
- Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
- Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
- Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
- Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
- New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
- Thirty years
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED!!!! @#$%^ :-)))
......................................................................................................25
Phrases Of Wisdom
1.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to
be amused.
......................................................................................................
Sidhu
Speaks!!!!
Mentioned below are the quotes of one of the great thinkers of the modern
era... Just Appreciate the amount of IQ he uses in his speeches..!!!
Heard of Navjot Singh Sidhu..? Ever heard him speak during a cricket match..?
No..? Then read this &....Enjoy..!!!
The latest on Sidhu-ism
* Kenya in South Africa was like a mountain having labour pains.
* India look like a crippled cobra whose fangs are clipped.
* Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
* That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
* 'Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
* Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
* He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go
beyond 30!
*The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the
Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
* The gap between bat and pad is so much that I would have driven a car through
it!
* As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
* The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
* The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
* He is a dibbly dobbly bowler.
* The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
*Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child in a topless bar!
* The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra
Talkies in Patiala. one falls and everything else falls!
......................................................................................................
Can
one imagine working for the following company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spouse abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have more then three criminal cases pending against them.
117 have been charged and are being investigated for
Murder,Rape,Assault,Extortion and Robbery.
71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
84 have been involved in offenses and have paid fines.
Can you guess what mighty Organization this is?
.............
Give
up? ...
It is the 545 members of the Lower House of Parliament of India that works for
you and me. The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws
designed to keep the rest of us in line...
Their motto: WHO SAID NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE; WE HAVE BEEN DOING NOTHING FOR
DECADES.
......................................................................................................
The
scene is this:-
A young second generation Indian in the US, is explaining the significance of
Diwali to his younger brother. This is how he would go about it.....
So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.
But,like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her
husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or
something... since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or
so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along...you know...so that they
could all chill out together.
But DUDE, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But
then some bad gangsta boys,some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and
lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Lakshman,
pissed... And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and
like...,all the gods were with him..
So anyways, you don't mess with gods.
SO, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. dude, don't ask me how they
trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... so, Ram,Laksh. and
their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.
Anyways,
by this time, their time's up in the forest..and anyways...it gets kinda
boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch
a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the
wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, atleast they deserve
something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so
they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and
shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was
pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks.. really, they even had some
local band play along with the fireworks ..and you know, what, dude, that was
the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized
fireworks.. you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and
stuff, you know.
And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started.
Cool! Diwali rocks, Maaann
......................................................................................................
Once
upon a time there was a Prince who, though no fault of his own was cast under a
spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word
each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for
a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This
was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire
eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to
refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say
"my darling".But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her
that he loved her.
Because
of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number
of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry
him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally
as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely
princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking
her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry
me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear,
opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
.............
......Well, guess what she said ..........
.............
......come on, guess what could she have said..............
...........well,
she said..............
"Pardon?"
......................................................................................................
Bill
Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game
began a Secret Service Agent came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The Secret Service Agent came running up to him and said, "Sir, I think
you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
......................................................................................................
One
day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe
fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his
axe into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?", God asked.
The woodcutter said "No".
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked.
The
wood cutter said "No". God went down again and came up with an iron
axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked.
The wood cutter said "Yes".
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The
woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along
the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and
asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into water."
God
went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?", God asked.
"Yes", he said.God was furious,"YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you......"
The woodcutter quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is an misunderstanding. If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta and Madona. If I say "No" to her also, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say "Yes". Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes"...
......................................................................................................
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
before marriage and. after marriage.
......................................................................................................
Once upon a time (very recently), there was a boat race organized. The Indian
team was pitted against the Japanese team. The number of team members allowed
per side was 7.
The Japanese team had 1 navigator, 1 cheerleader (to encourage the team), and 5
rowers. The Indian team consisted of 1 CEO, 1 COO, 1 navigator, 1 cheerleader,
and 3 rowers.
As soon as the race started, the Japanese team grabbed the initial lead and
finally won the race by a margin of "30 minutes". The Indians were
enraged by the defeat, nevertheless in the true Indian spirit they decided that
they must do something – to avenge this by providing a befitting reply in the
next years' race.
At once a top Consultant was hired from a leading Consultancy firm, a hefty sum
was paid as consultancy fees to the consultant. The Consultant went about his
job in a seemingly professional manner. A month passed, and the consultant
submitted his report. The Indian team, then went thru the report, and passed an
order to implement the suggestions given in the report.
The next year, the teams again lined up for the race. The Japanese team had 1
navigator-cum-cheer leader and 6 rowers. The new restructured Indian team had:
1 CEO, 1 COO, 1 Left and Right direction Navigation strategist (to head the
teams' Left and Right direction navigation), 1 Forward direction Navigation
strategist (to head the teams' Forward
direction navigation), 1 Cheer strategist, 1 Cheer leader to report to the
bespoke 1 Rower (he was provided only 1 oar to row, due to the cost cutting
program in effect).
Very soon the race started and this time, the Japanese won by a bigger margin
of 3 hours. The Indian team quickly conducted a review; and concluded that it
was because of the 'Rower' that the team had lost the race. He was immediately
fired. They announced his exit would also save costs for the company.
To encourage the team to perform well in the future races, the remaining team
was paid bonuses and given huge stock options.
......................................................................................................
CHANGE HAPPENS
ANTICIPATE CHANGE
MONITOR CHANGE
ADAPT TO CHANGE QUICKLY
CHANGE
ENJOY THE CHANGE
BE READY TO CHANGE QUICKLY
AND
ENJOY IT AGAIN!
......................................................................................................
3 Hymns
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church
needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more
than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be
able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that
someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he
immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her
way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and
in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three
most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him, him and
him."
......................................................................................................
Plant the Lettuce
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant it?"
The prisoner, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I
hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with
shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
......................................................................................................
SHOCKING HEADLINES
* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident: Literacy soars up
to 86% in India
* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning.
* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest of India Games
* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
* Laloo to be made National Animal
* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence.
* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and
some Pottasium Permanganate
* No bombings in Kashmir today
* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
* Ray of hope for India as Srinath, Prasad retires
* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
......................................................................................................
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
......................................................................................................
All of them are true!!
"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero."
-Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983.
Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no.4 for
that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip
Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he
thought there would be less pressure!
......................................................................................................
Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb
outswinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies,
"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"
......................................................................................................
Fred Trueman bowling.
The
batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba
Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past
Trueman and apologizes sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together,
Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you son, Your mother
should've!"
......................................................................................................
Then there's this wicketkeeper who quietly asked the new batsman: "So
how's your wife, and my kids?"
Guess who.........Rod Marsh....to Ian Botham!!
......................................................................................................
New Zealand vs. South Africa: Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a
comeback from a complete bamboozling from Warne in earlier games. Cullinan
played the first ball from Chris Harris very carefully back down the pitch, and
keeper Parore yelled out "Well bowled Warnie!"
......................................................................................................
Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match, Fred Trueman at
the crease. The Aussie captain has plenty of close in fielders, whose shadows
fall on the wicket.
Fredie finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off, I'll appeal
for bad light!"
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold
"Dickie" Bird)
......................................................................................................
"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't
bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous words
describing an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is
merely the basis for further negotiations!" Incidentally, Compton was no
better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call
you for a run and wish you luck at the same time." Anyway, when Wells
played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10. During a
county match, horror of horrors.......both got injured.
*Both* opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on
the off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself.
Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on.
Now we had *all four* running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of
"YES" "NO", eventually, *all* of them ran to the same end.
Note - at this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing
their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a
minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the other end.
Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them
"One of you buggers is out. I don't know which. *You* decide and inform
the bloody scorers!".
......................................................................................................
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A big black hearse was
followed by a second big black hearse about 15 metres behind. Behind the second
hearse was a
solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him there were about 200
men walking in single file. The man leaving the cafe couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said
"I'm sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse there is for my wife."
"Oh I am terribly sorry. What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man
answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?" The man says
"Get in line." was the reply
......................................................................................................
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was
retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so
the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor
said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut
back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
......................................................................................................
If
Sidhu comes face-to-face with Osama bin Laden, what would he say?
Bin: You have been caught with your beard in your mouth.
Sidhu would say: Hey! Osama, you are as good as a mobile phone for America,
when you are fresh and new, they adore you and when the issue of maintainence
falls, you are either dumped or destroyed.
......................................................................................................U
r chosen as the world's best wicked-keeper!!!
Osama is not a gud batsman. He hasnt stopped running after he hit.
Osama's strike on the world trade center was as crisp as a cracker.
The similarities between you and indian tem is that you live in cave and the
indian team caves in to the oppsition.
......................................................................................................
Rabri
goes to Delhi to attend a 1-week session for Chief Ministers. Laloo escorts her
to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
She answers: 'Lalooji, what would you like me to bring for you?'
Laloo laughs and says: 'Dilli di kudi (A Delhi girl)!'
Rabri kept quiet and left. A week later Laloo meets her up at the airport and
asks: 'So Rabriji, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you''
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?'
'What I asked for.... Dilli di kudi?'
'Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if
it is a girl!!! '
......................................................................................................
Subject: Engineers are a different breed
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want! Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
......................................................................................................
friends,
these r some telegrams i would like to share with u,
TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."
TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written 'sethji aaj mar gaye !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.To combat this problem,NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity,upside down,underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
......................................................................................................
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof.
We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice.
We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation.
We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of
whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and
we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements.
However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour
early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in
your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from
8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
......................................................................................................
PUZZLES
1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it;
and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
2. A child was born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in
Boston, Massachusetts. The child was not a United States citizen. How is this
possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Claire Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art
Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German
division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and
captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword
bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and
Leadership. World War I. From the Men of 8'th Battalion." Captain Frank
looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn,
do you?" What's wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or
politics, agreed is between "heaven" and "earth"?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did
not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this
possible?
9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar
bills?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train
station. The station is normally an hour away, but with traffic being extra
heavy, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still
as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why?
12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to
make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a
penguin's egg. Why not?
14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the eggs are white" or
"The yolk of the eggs is white"?
15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden
leg. Why not?
16. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the
"International Home Show". One of them was the father of the other's
son. How could this be possible?
17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a
Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?
OK.....How do you think you did?
The Answers
1. a coffin
2. the child was born before 1776
3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered.
4. Claire lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.
6. The word "and".
7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives very
early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.
9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more
than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. An hour and a half is 90 minutes.
12. "one word"
13. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
14. Neither, the yolk of the eggs is yellow.
15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
16. They were husband and wife.
17. He can't because he's dead.
......................................................................................................
ENGLISH – A CRAZY LANGUAGE - by Richard Lederer (Pocket Books, 1989)
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annanls of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetraian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
......................................................................................................
Work Humor....
Ways To Take A Sick Day (When you aren't REALLY sick!):
Drink Syrup of Ipecac to induce heinous fits of uncontrollable vomiting. (Dilute in water to prevent spontaneous accident on-the-spot).
Use women's makeup products to paint yourself sick: light brown eye shadow works best as an under-the-eye prop for bags, some strategically applied foundation to lips provides that "pale" appearance, etc.
Moaning and clutching your stomach after a serious feast on burritos (make sure no one is within firing range...Hoo doggy!).
Bake an Ex-Lax cake and eat it all (use entire box of Ex Lax chocolate cubes).
Use the old "I-have-diarrhea-and-can't-get-off-the-toilet" excuse.
Fake a seizure in the middle of a staff meeting.
Drink an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol after eating a plate of liver and onions. And run.
Have your mother call in and state that you awoke with a sweaty, fevered forehead, and your tongue appears to be turning black as you speak.
Mix 1 cup raw egg to one cup milk...let it sit on the counter for four hours, then drink. Then run.
Pour spoiled milk on your shirt and go to work. Tell every colleague that you just don't feel right today, and, heck, you seem to have really foul odors since you yakked before coming to work. Watch people flee.
Suddenly clutch your stomach and scream out, "Oh, My God!!! The baby is not kicking anymore!!" This works best if you are female, are NOT pregnant, and no one thinks that you are.
Call in and state that you have contracted Ebola from the African Sculpture that you purchased from the QVC Channel.
Call off sick with Montezuma's Revenge. If someone asks what this is, start gurgling into the phone, shriek, and hang up.
Contact a relative who is in the medical profession and have them hook you up with a doctor's excuse.
Cite the 24 hour flu when you return to work just one day after calling off.
Grab granny's perfume, and spray heavily. Explain to co-workers that you ingested some perfume at home, thinking that it was a glass of apple juice, and start doubling over, clutching your spleen.
State that the blood donation just a day ago had some complications...while donating, you forgot to mention that you are a hemophiliac, and since they couldn't stop you from bleeding, you're currently hooked up to the machine in the bloodmobile, and you still haven't clotted. You are currently en route to Cedars-Sinai in Loma Linda, CA. (This works best if you live on the East Coast).
You were attacked by rabid frogs en route to your car.
Your mother-in-law stopped by and won't leave. The SWAT Team is coming by to help with her execution.
Your brother from Naples, FL, thought he would be nice, and sent a strip-o-gram for your birthday. Only problem is, he paid for a weeks' worth of fun, and the fun just started. Today.
Your spouse's (insert body part here) was accidentally caught in the garbage disposal during an innocent game of "chance."
Ed McMahon and Dick Clark just sent you an envelope that clearly states that
you are to remain at home to receive your million dollar check...today.
Thanks to Lori Martin for permission to use these Sick Excuses from her web
site.
http://www.angelfire.com/pa/icequeencone
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We
believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an
employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider
having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything
removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements.
However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour
early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in
your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY
TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program
of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees
more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all of the
S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE
EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.
S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.
S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We
can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When you don't show up on time for a meeting, you're late. When your boss doesn't show up on time for a meeting, he must have been delayed.
Best Excuses if you get caught
sleeping at your desk....
" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
" This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
" Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "
" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
" This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
" I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
" Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
" I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
" Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
" The coffee machine is broke...."
" Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
" Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
" Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
" Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
Real Excuses....
Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your
grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the
crippled aunt who keeps falling over?
Well, then, try these! They're not excuses, they're real!
AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME:
Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic controllers, as a result of job stress.
{Illinois Medical Journal, 1972}
ALOPECIA WALKMANIA:
Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal stereo headphones. {Journal of the
American Medical Association, 1984}
ANCHORMAN GLAZE:
Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at the teleprompter through
glaring camera lights. {Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}
ARCTIC TEMPER:
Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic explorers exposed to darkness,
monotony, isolation and sensory depravation. {Lancet, 1910}
BEER DRINKERS FINGER:
Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of finger caused by placing pop-top
beer can rings on finger. {JAMA, 68}
BINGO BRAIN:
The headache associated with carbon monoxide intoxication which occurs after
spending long hours in smoke filled bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association,
1982}
BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH:
The nervous excitement of spotting a species for the first time. {New
Scientist, 1982}
BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS:
Psychotic episodes associated with the use of anabolic steroids; causing
hallucinations, paranoid delusions, grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive
symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}
BOOKSELLERS BENDS:
Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure as the book the customer
wants is always on the top shelf.
CASINO FEET:
Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot machines for long
periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}
CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER:
Partial dislocation and arthritis of middle finger joint from continued use of
this finger to dislocate chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}
CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION:
Psychological stress during holidays related to the use of alcohol and social
pressures. {JAMA, 1982}
CREDIT-CARD-ITIS:
Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure on nerve from a wallet stuffed
with credit cards. {New England Medical Journal, 1966}
DISCO DIGIT:
A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing. {New England Medical
Journal}
DOG WALKERS ELBOW:
Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a dog leash. {New England Medical
Journal, 1979}
ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY:
Epilepsy caused by the flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal,
1982}
ESPRESSO WRIST:
Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong wrist motions required to
make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}
FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS:
Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}
FRISBEE FINGER:
Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a frisbee. {New England Medical
Journal, 1975}
GOLF ARM:
Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf. {BMA Journal, 1896}
HOOKERS ELBOW:
Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen repeatedly jerking upwards on a
fishing line. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}
HOUSWIFITIS:
Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time managing a busy household.
{Centrescope, 1976}
HUMPERS LUMP:
Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy bags. {Diseases of
Occupations, 1975}
ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE:
Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact with ice-cream. {New England
Medical Journal, 1982}
JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM:
Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who frequently spin on their bottoms.
{Daily Telegraph, 1987}
JEANS FOLLICULITIS:
Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist down to the knees caused by
ultra-tight jeans. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}
JOYSTICK DIGIT:
Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video game joysticks.{JAMA,
1987}
KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP:
Painful hand swelling from sharpening too many knives. {Diseases of Occupations,
1975}
LABEL LICKERS TONGUE:
Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}
MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP:
Painful seizure of muscles from counting too much cash. {English University
Press, 1975}
MOTORWAY BLUES:
The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested motorways. {BMA Journal,
1963}
NUNS KNEE:
Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer. {Diseases of Occupations,
1975}
OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS:
Eye irritation from contact with fragments of oyster shells. {BMA Journal,
1896}
PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME:
Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA
Journal, 1972}
PLAYERS LIVER:
The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of playing the game.
{Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}
QUICK-DRAW LEG:
Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from gun in belt holster. {JAMA,
1966}
REFLEX HORN SYNDROME:
Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to toot horns. {New England
Medical Journal, 1976}
RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME:
Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety felt by women whose husbands have
just retired. {Western Journal of Medicine, 1984}
SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM:
Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of rocking on the hips while
operating a sewing machine. {American Family Physician, 1979}
SICK SANTAS SYNDROME:
Low back pain from lifting heavy children and parcels and acquired illnesses
from multiple contact with kids. {JAMA, 1986}
TELEVISION LEGS:
Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being slumped in a chair in front
of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}
TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS:
Skin irritation on rear from spending too much time on the toilet. {Archive of
Dermatology, 1933}
UNIFORM RASH:
Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}
VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS:
Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper guards. {Archive of Dermatology,
1971}
WORKING WIFE SYNDROME:
Fatigue, irritability, headaches and diminished sex drive from strain of doing
two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}
YOGA FOOT DROP:
Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from practicing Yoga positions.
{JAMA, 1971}
School Humor....
Proverbs by Kids
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in
her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
The next group of excuses are actual homework excuses that were given to
Chuck Keller who is a teacher that kindly allowed me to use the excuses that are
listed on his web site Mr. Keller's Home Page. Thanks Chuck and if they turn in
more, send them in please!
"Every teacher has heard thousands of excuses. Here's a collection of excuses
that students have told me. They are true. Really."
My homework is on my bed.
It got caught in the door.
My roommate threw it away.
I left it under my mattress.
Somebody stole it.
It's at home - with my mind.
There was a fire at my neighbor's house.
It's in my other car.
I got soap in my eyes and was blinded for the rest of the night.
I got married over the weekend.
I had to have my baby.
I play volleyball and I left it at the competition.
My brother and I got into a fight and he burned it on the stove.
It got stuck in a drawer at home.
It was so cold last night that we had to burn all of the pencils for heat.
My mom put it away and now I can't find it.
The car broke down on the expressway and my books are still in it.
I gave it to the substitute.
It's in the Stop-n-Go.
I had it last period in Home Ec., but now I don't have it.
My homework blew over into the neighbor's pool and got all wet.
My homework was used to clean the dirty bottom of a baby.
I left my books in Louisville. (Needless to say, Louisville is 100 miles away.)
I don't have a pen because we had an hour delay.
I don't have my homework because somebody cleaned my headquarters.
The moisture from the dishwasher seeped through the counter and ruined my book.
My brother was sleeping with my homework in a locked room.
The cleaning lady threw it away.
My cousin took my typewriter.
It's in a suitcase on its way to Hawaii.
My friend forgot to do my homework.
My car exploded and it burned up.
It blew out the car window. Honest!
There's a virus in my printer.
Thanks again to Chuck Keller for the homework excuses!
Police & Accident Humor....
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULLOVER!! "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Top 21 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:
21. Sure, I'll get my registration card.....Would you mind holding my beer?
20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
19. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
15. Bad cop. No doughnut.
14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
9. I pay your salary.
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
More things not to say to a Policeman when he pulls you over.
No, YOU assume the position.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states....Pick 1.
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's
You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means.
What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?
Here is a list of best actual insurance claims I found on The Mouthpiece Newsletter.
"I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries."
"I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the cyclist."
"I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour before and no one was there."
"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"
"You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not have, like me, nine children to watch over."
"In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control of my car."
"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."
"I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me additional bonus points on my insurance."
"I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company."
"I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree."
"You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved in an accident?"
"The accident happened while I was changing girls."
"While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me."
"I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it takes to get rid of that clause."
"You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. You obviously don't know my wife."
"I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over."
"The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could pin him down."
"Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will take that into account."
"They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight liters of blood in our bodies, that wasn't much."
General Excuse
For several weeks I had not turned in my homework and my teacher threatened to call my mother and so I told her not to because my mother was the principle. This teacher being new believed me and now every time I see either of them I try to hide.
I would of had my homework except the girl in the next seat covered hers up.
No mom I was not talking back I was only expressing my opinion as it is stated in the Constitution.
I was not cheating I was checking to see if my answers were right.
Leave my room alone and don't expect me to clean it this is my method of organization.
Okay I know dogs don't eat homework but my hamster sure does. I set my homework on top of her cage and she pulled it right through the bars. She shredded it and used it as bedding.
I did not do the dishes the dog did.
Guy Excuses
The toilet seat kept moving if it would stay put I would not miss.
We were not doing anything she is just a friend 'dearest'.
We were not kissing she was teaching me mouth to mouth.
I thought she was you in the movie theater.
I smoke to have a reason for carrying a lighter because I do not want people knowing I am a pyromaniac.
I do not wear ties because they restrict me in the presence of a female.
I wear boxers not briefs (tighty-whites) so I have the feeling of freedom.
I like my truck dirty because it proves I am not a pretty boy.
I do not have an ego it is just my manliness.
By belching I release my inner self.
Gal Excuses
I was not checking him out I was staring into space.
I am on PMS therefore I have a right to be a royal pain.
Every outfit needs its own pair of shoes, you can never have to many.
I am a woman deal with it.
I am right and you are wrong that is just the way the world works.
I take longer than you do because I actually care what I look like.
You do not wear a bra so why should I.
......................................................................................................
Humorous Quotes
"A many may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
---H.L. Mencken
"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
---Alan Coren
"I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror."
---Flann O'Brien
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
---H.L. Mencken
"The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact."
---Stephen Sondheim
"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."
---Unknown
"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
---Unknown
"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
---Compton Mackenzie
"I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect."
---Harvey Fierstein
"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."
---Neil Simon
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
---Dean Martin
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
---Fran Lebowitz
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
---Woody Allen
"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
---Michelle Pfeiffer
"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."
---Sara Swank
"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last."
---Al Forman (former MLB umpire)
"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide."
---Missy Fruchter
"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
---Leo Duracher
"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
---Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
---Bill Cosby
"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
---Tarantula Shoes by Tom Birdseye
"I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language."
---Father Figure by Richard Peck
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
---Franklin Jones
"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
---Cal Thomas
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
---Fred Allen
"Don't be so humble--you are not that great."
---Golda Meir
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)
"If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."
---Dean Smith
"Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel."
---Unknown
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
---Tori Filler
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
---Steven Wright
"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
---Unknown
"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
---Ed Asner
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
---Jim Leyland
"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."
---Unknown
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
---Neil Kinnock
"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided."
---Casey Stengal
"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
---Unknown
"A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers."
---Unknown
"Better to be forgotten than sued."
---Dave Weinbaum
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
---Dave Berry
"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
---Unknown
"It's better to leave while staying is welcomes than to stay while leaving is welcomed."
---Unknown
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
---Phyllis Diller
"Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"
---Unknown
"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."
---Proverbs 10:26
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
---Unknown
"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."
---Unknown
"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another."
---Quentin Crisp
"When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."
---Molly McGee
"You know you're in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face."
---Unknown
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
---Unknown
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
---Unknown
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."
---Sam Ewing
"A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to the filling station."
---Unknown
"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."
---Bill Flavin
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
---Unknown
"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
---Unknown
"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
---Unknown
"If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
---Unknown
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
---Unknown
"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
---Unknown
"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."
---Kimberly Broyles
"Shipwrecked man to another: 'Don't worry--we'll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.'"
---Al Johns
"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
---James Dent
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
---Jay Leno
"Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute."
---Jonathan Kellerman
"He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom."
---The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
---Unknown
"Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature."
---Unknown
"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'"
---Lenny Bruce
"Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter."
---James T. Adams
"You can't say civilization isn't advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way."
---Will Rogers
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
---Ashleigh Brilliant
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men."
---Joseph Conrad
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
---Charlotte Whittond
"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
---Unknown
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
---Jerome K. Jerome
"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
---Unknown
"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
---Unknown
"After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room."
---Unknown
"Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?"
---Unknown
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
---Kin Hubbard
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown
"Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers."
---Judith Martin
"Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, and disposable."
---Mrs. White, Clue
"Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?"
---Courtney Huston
"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."
---Unknown
"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
---Mark Grasso
"The person who says 'I won't say another word' always does."
---Suzan L. Wiener
"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."
---Jonathan Fuerbringer
"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."
---Phil Pastoret
"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
---George Carlin
"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
---Terry Marchal
"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure."
---Michael Levine
"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
---Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
---H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
---Al Bernstein
"We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair."
---Arthur Benjamin
"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
---Robert Newton Peck
"School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone."
---Ashley Salvati
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
---Scott Adams
"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
---Chuck Norris
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
---Sam Ewing
"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
---Elbert Hubbard
"Children are the most expensive form of entertainment."
---Mihaela Iosof
"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
---Doug Larson
"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
---Bill Cosby
"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
---Unknown
"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
---Tommy Bolt
"The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good."
---Polish Proverb
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
---"Smile" Zingers
"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
---Laurence J. Peter
"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."
---Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
"Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
---W.C. Fields
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
---Doug Larson
"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
---Lubna Azmi
"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."
---Lisa Leslie
......................................................................................................
Those unmistakbles Jayan dialogues in all its charm...
oru kodumkaatt adichirunnengill kurachu kaatu kollamayirunnu
oru agniparvatham pottiyirunnengill kurachu chudu kollamayirunnu
oru mathill undayirunnengill chadi odamayirunnu
oru helicopter undayirunnengill thungikidennadamayirunnu.. pinne thazhekku
eduthu chadamayirunnu
jayabharathi kandirunnengill panchar ayadikkamayirunnu.. oru mazhayum koodi
undayirunnengill oru pattu padamayirunnu
oru kambi kittiyirunnengill valachu nakku vadikkamayirunnu
oru perumbambine kittiyirunnengill marathu malayayi aniyamayirunnu
oru kuthiraye kittiyirunnengill malpiditham nadathamayirunnu
oru train vannirunnengill chavutti marichidamayirunnu
oru kariminine kittiyirunnengill kadichu polikkamayirunnu
randu panji kittiyirunnengill mukkill vachu chathathu pole kidakkamayirunnu
randu maruthi car kittiyirunnengill cherupayittidamayirunnu
idukki damill vellam pongiyirunnengill kudichu vattikamayirunnu
ammachiplavu kandirunnengill kayari olichirikkamayirunnu
oru passport kittiyirunnengill H1-B stamp cheythu americayillekku pokamayirunnu
njan purse edukkan marannu poyi.. eduthathu cement chakkayi poyi
10 cent sthalavum, 4 kinarum, kurachu tire-um kittiyrunnengil... carroms
kalikkamayirunnu
moorkhan kadichathu nannayi... neerkoli kadichirunnengil... maanam poyene
oru theakinte kashnam kittiyirunnengill pallu theykamayirunnu
Oru escalator kittyirunnengil, puram choriyaamaayirunnu!
oru attaye kittiyirunnengil, pidichu methayil kidathaamaayirunnu.
......................................................................................................
Laloo Jokes
1.
Once in a small plane, five people were travelling. They were Laloo, sonia gandhi,an old sadhu, a schoolboy and the pilot. Suddenly, the pilot realises that the plane is going to crash and informs these people. The pilot also says that the plane has only four parachutes.
Then Sonia says that since she is going to become India's future prime minister, she has to live. Saying that she takes a parachute and jumps of the plane. The pilot also takes a parachute and jumps off. Then Laloo says that he has to live to rule Bihar for another 10 years and jumps off with one.
The old sadhu says to the boy,' Son, I am an old man, I have lived my life. Anyway, I will die soon. So Why don't you take the remaining parachute and jump of the plane'. Hearing that, the boy says, 'Don't worry sadhuji, there are still two parachutes left' The sadhu is surprised and asks 'how is it possible'.
The boy said 'Lalooji did not take the parachute, but has taken my school bag!!'
2.
Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition, inside the White house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English.
Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press newsreporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.
At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face. The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton?" Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
3.
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state.Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
4.
Laloo as the Prime Minister
Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif.They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes.
Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "Nawazbhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached!
The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab akai-waalon ka kamaal hai," (All because of the Akai company people) says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free (They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR )... tho ham bhi Nawazbhai se keh diye: "aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!" (SO, I said to Nawazbhai - "You want Kashmir, take it,but you also get Bihar as free.."
5.
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas.So he called up the Tourist department and asked them 'Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...'.
The man at the other end replies 'One second sir...' and Laloo immediately replies 'thank you' and puts the phone down
6.
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.
Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo.Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper.GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"
7.
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks,"AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
8.
Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car. The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages.
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face.Laloo wants to know what happened. The driver tells him 'Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya.' Laloo says 'Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?'
The driver replies 'Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon ..'
9.
Laloo wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Laloo was pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Laloo. Report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'
10.
Jack and Jill Remix
aloo Bhai bihari
Went up the pahari
To fetch a bail for court order
Laloo fell down
And lost his crown
But Rabri reigned thereafter.
11.
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
12.
Once Laloo returned from England and his wife rabri asked him, 'Are Kuch Angreji wagare sikhi ki nahin englandva mein jakar.' Laloo replied ' Bilkul sikhe hain.' Rabri then said ' Tanik angreji mein kahkar to batao ki hamra nam laloo hain.'
Laloo replied, 'Small mein bole ya Capital mein bole?'
13.
Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him, 'God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton?' God replies: 'Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him, 'God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan?' God replies, 'Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this Gen. Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him. 'God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state?' Hearing this, God starts crying. Laloo is astounded and asks, 'God, why are you crying?' God replies: 'Son, I will not see it in my lifetime!'
14.
The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
G ates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). 'Windows is restarting.Please wait.............'
......................................................................................................
Standard Jokes 1
In Brazil, the voting system is completely computerized.
Even in the smallest village, citizens enter votes at ATM-like kiosks, votes
are tabulated instantaneously, and the results are 100% accurate. Officials are
looking at the system seeking ways to improve vote canvassing in the US. So,
Brazil is literally showing the US how to run an election.
But, it only figures, at a time in which:
the world's top tennis player is from Brazil,
the world's top soccer team is French,
the world's top golf player is black,
and the world's top sumo wrestler is German.
Standard Jokes 2
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A
very attractive blonde lady comes in and want to bet $10,000 on a single roll
of the dice.
And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but
her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new
clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers.
Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly
leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them
asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't
know. I thought YOU were watching."
Standard Jokes 3
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
*******************************************************
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
********************************************************
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will
dress up for weddings and funerals.
Standard Jokes 5
A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill
Clinton. The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand
with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say
"I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we,
translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is .... When Mori met
Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?".
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react
with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
.
Standard Jokes 6
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and
then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the
gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his
birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey,
Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with
me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No,
honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms
around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table
dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before
Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts
screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you
picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Standard Jokes 7
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS
RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an
all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace
accord is ratified by England and its break-away province of Northern Ireland.
Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British
culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO
peace keeping troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate
safely and without the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo
intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement. A
background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and
to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free
the Kurds. Oh yeah, let’s not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to
stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve
the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually
homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country,
also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull
fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time
that they were bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those
wishing to use deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the
Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more
Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota
might finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with
others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.
When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order
to free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would never be on a
military agenda."
Standard Jokes 8
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at
night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred...
"I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and
asked, "How many times?".
Standard Jokes 9
here's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets
invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide
his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the
problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note,
which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes
the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which
reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your thighs and go as a
Carmel apple!"
Standard Jokes 10
A man went to the police station with his next-door neighbor
to report that his wife was missing. The policeman asked for a description. He
said, "She's 35 years old, 5 foot 9, has dark eyes, dark, wavy hair, a
beautiful smile, swimmers body, weighs 125 pounds, and is great with the
kids."
The next-door neighbor blurted out, "What are you
talking about?! Your wife is 56 years old, 5 foot 2, balding, has a foul mouth,
no front teeth and she beats the crap out of your children."
The husband shot back, "OK, so you're right, but...who
the hell wants HER back?"
Standard Jokes 11
I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes
to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets.
Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they
did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no
matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble
finding someone to demonstrate them for him. "Not here!" they said.
...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification
at the community of Chu'Lai.
Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very
impressed! But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every
week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch.
So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc's guide replied:
"Why honored Sir, ... We always set off fireworks on
the Forts of Chu'Lai"
Standard Jokes 12
There are many transmission lines that crisscross
Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions.
Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal
Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes
adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air.
Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with
his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a
tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower
south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later
pieced the rest of the story together.
The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer
and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often
need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did
his business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a
wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like
those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire),
the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of
electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The
guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent
repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the
accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his
private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.
Standard Jokes 13
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who
ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the
man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying
for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said.
"But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much
does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty
thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first
worry."
Standard Jokes 14
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said,
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth,
so I want you to start by kissing Eve."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve
by the hand, and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam
emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy
that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief instruction, and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned,
smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I
want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So
the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam again went to Eve, behind the
bush.
But this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said,
"Lord, what's a 'headache' ?"
Standard Jokes 15
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the
desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on
the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short
while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big
humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store water for our long
treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us
sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to
store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
Standard Jokes 16
"It's So Dry In Texas That..."
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so
much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
here?"
A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you
remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40
nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's
flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two
and a half inches of that."
Standard Jokes 17
There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she
had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would
surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur
included thinking her would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he
bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the
entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could
quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
"Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I
only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care
of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car
is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive
and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just
want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was
delicious.""
Standard Jokes 18
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to
right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole
thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out
some help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back.
The French fax read: "As your neighbours, we are deeply
touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do
it".
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most
organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do
not know how to handle it".
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane."
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Subject: IS BRUCELEE A MALAYALEE??
Hi What Do you think???
Do you know how? Well this is how!
Bruce Lee is actually a Malaya Lee, but he left Kerala, the land of Mave Lee
because he didn't have Jo lee or Koo Lee. He was not happy to be a Thozhila Lee
or Vazhakkaa Lee and decided that he wants to become a Muthala Lee by being a
Pora Lee. Actually, he invented his most popular film titles from the Malayalam
word Vyaa Lee (Dragon). His favorite goddess was Kaa Lee and he enjoyed Adipo
Lee a lot.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon?
----- Kodaa Lee
According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake?
----- Ana Lee
Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala
----- Adima Lee
Bruce Lee's Favourite Malayalam Channel
----- Kaira Lee
Bruce Lee favorite vegetable?
----- Thakkaa Lee
What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him?
----- Nilavi Lee
What is Bruce Lee's pet
------ Chunde Lee
What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch?
------ Karingaa Lee
What is Bruce Lee's Girl Friend's name?
------ Anaarka Lee
What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
------ Neeraa Lee
While in kerala he likes to be known as a
------ Malaya Lee
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Strange Facts
1. The venom in a Daddy Longlegs spider is more poisonous than a Black
Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws
won't open wide enough.
2. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.
3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas
bursting.
10.A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
solid.
12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.
14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
15. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork
than by a spider bite?
16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your
head.
17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30
minutes after eating garlic.
18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. Polar bears are left-handed.
21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white but, actually clear.
28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.
29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes.
31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and
"bump,"
33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
3
35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the Englishlanguage.
37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.
38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able
to remember the word you want.
39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on
only one row of the keyboard.
40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
41. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.
43. China has more English speakers than the United States.
44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of
1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.
46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. 47. You share your
birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it
refers to a distinct part of DNA.
50. No president of the United States was an only child.
51.The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.
52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
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