Sardar Jokes

The Complete Sardarji Encyclopaedia

Meet this Sardarji,
...who insisted his tiffin box must have a transparent lid that he could easily confirm where he was going, office or home...
...who hesitated to write '11' because he didn't know which '1' comes first...
...who turned his monitor towards the printer because his P.C. said, "cannot find printer"...
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Sardar Banta Singh is waiting for a DTC bus on a New Delhi bus stop, he is musing over something that has bothered him for quite a while ... why does everyone make fun of us Sardars. It is so unfair. He stops a Taxi Driver Surdar and asks him the same Question, the two of them then stop an Auto Rickshaw Surd. The Question spreads like wild fire. In a Day ... Surds all over India want to know why does everyone make fun of us Sardars. They think over it and think over it, but no one can come up with a reasonable answer.
A meeting is convened at the Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium where all the Intelligent Surds are invited. After an day long debate no concrete answer. Then they decide to send Banta Singh to London to look for the right answer. Banta leaves the Next Day. On arriving at Heathrow, Banta wastes no time in his search. He asks the first Gora He sees. why does everyone make fun of us Sardars.The Gora says to Banta. "Look it's very Simple, if you can answer a simple question I ask you you'll prove to me that this whole thing is just propaganda against your people by a jealous faction, but if you cant! Then you guys deserve to be a laughing stock of everyone." Banta feels his skin tingle as he says .."Okay What is Question"

"There are Three People in My family" the foreigner Explains, "The first is my Lovely Daughter Mary Anne, The Second is my Beautiful wife Sylvia. Who is that Third Person in My Family"? Banta Spews out these Answers as the Gora Keeps shaking his head.... ... "May be your dad" ... "or else may be your mom" ... "Maybe you have a Dog" ... "May be you have a cat" .. "Aunt" ... "Uncle" "Grand father"

"Give up"! asks the foreigner. Banta Nods his head in defeat. "Mr. Singh, I am the third person in my Family. Now go back to India and give this knowledge to your people. If they can't answer this simple question. Tell them they are getting what they deserve" Two days later, Banta is at Center Stage (JNS) with mike in hand. He repeats the same question. "There are three people in my house. One is my daughter, the other my wife. Who is the third one ? Banta Smiles as his fellow Sardars try to answer this brain Teaser... "May be your mother" ... "May be you have a Dog" ... "Aunty" ... "May be your dad" ... "etc" .. "etc" 80,000 Sardars cant answer a simple question, it's time I tell them Banta Thinks. He raises his hand, the Sardars are quiet. "Give up" He asks.

"Give up" the Entire Stadium Replies.
"The third one is " Banta screams into the microphone "that foreigner" as he points towards London

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Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

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Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw his cigarette butt down the manhole and tried to step on it.
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Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket."What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?" "That's a good match. I'll use it again."

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A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing

The bystander: A Marathon race is going on

Sardar: What do they get from that?

Bystander : The winner will get a prize

Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
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Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
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Hi friends, Let us take a look at the report submitted by sardar to his manager after
completing his Y2K verification task.
 
**********sardar.txt**********
Dear Sir, Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all rams and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is
a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely

IQ Singh Y2K Project leader
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A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks." The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
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A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,"Wash Basin".
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Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women..
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Santa and Banta Singh were bitter enemies. Santa lived on the 1st and Banta on the 7th floor of the same building. One day the lift was out of order and Banta Singh decided to play a trick on Santa and called him for dinner to his house at 7:30 pm.
So Santa huffing and puffing manages to reach the 7th floor. To his dismay he finds a big lock on the door and a message - 'HA HA ULLU BANA DIA!'
Santa is angry but thinks a lot and finally writes his reply below Banta's message - 'MAIN TO YAHAN AAYA HI NAHIN THA!!'
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Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident.
Banta was visiting him in the hospital.

Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank Wahe Guru that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."

Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!
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Two Sardarjis went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their packets and started to eat them. 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
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Mr. Jaswanth singh went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items. Singh asked " Where is the fat ?"
Person didn't understand what singh was saying and said " Excuse me sir, FAT???"

Sardar : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked sardar about the problem. Then sardar said, Hey Manager! Look, I took a yogurt from your
stores and it was written "FAT FREE" on that but this guy is not giving me the fat.
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One day sardarji decides that he is fed up of Sardarji being called fools. So he decides to fool the others and show them that they too are fools. Our friend goes to the top of Kutubminar in delhi and peeps down from the top with a lot of interest. Somebody taps him on the back and asks, "Sardarji what r u looking" our freind replies "sssssshhhhhhh, Stand in the line.." After sometime ,somebody asks the same question to the second guy and he gives the same reply. This goes on . After a while our friend sees that the line
has reached the bottom of kutubinar. So he feels very happy that he has succeeded in fooling so many people & decides to tell turn back. He does so, and... HE SEES A LINE OF SARDARJI'S ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM
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Here is the unpublished paper for PEMEE (Punjab Engineering and Medical Entrance Examination)
 
-PUNJAB ENGINEERING & MEDICAL ENTRANCE EXAM-
 
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
 
1. What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

(a) build a bridge (b)sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?

(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in India's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of India have been called Akbar, the last one being Akbar the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of India produces the most oranges? (a)Gujarat (b) Russia (c) Canada (d) Pakistan
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for?
20. The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
You must answer at least three questions correctly to qualify.
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Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!"
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Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
Sure.
Give me a green one, please."
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Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
”Just a sec," says the rep.
”Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.
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EMPLOYMENT?
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: Yes
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CROCODILE BOOTS..
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes i'll marry you if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims! “71st and again barefeet!”
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A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds,
"It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The sardar says,
"I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
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A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
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What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
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What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ?
(he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
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Surd Freedom Fighters

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we
would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied,
"OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
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Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big
sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
Gets stabbed in a shoot out.
Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
Tries to drown a fish in waters.
Thinks socialism means partying.
Trips over a cordless phone.
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius."
Studies for a blood test and fails.
Sells the car for gas money.
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
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Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"

Sardar: "No, who wrote it?"
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A Surd went into a pizza parlor. When he said that he'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked him how many pieces he'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve.

Oh, goodness, six please, said the Surd. I don't think I could ever eat twelve.

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Why, What and How

Why did the Sardar Ji think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman?

Because his name was 'Ben' (sister) Kingsley.

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Why does the Sardar Ji go to London?

To see his Big Ben (sister).

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Why did the visitor to the Sardar Ji home run away when he was offered tea?

Because the Sardar Ji said he would serve snakes with it. (snacks)

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Why did the Sardar Ji wear a Tuxedo to his vasectomy?

If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent.

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Why did the American get scared of the Sardar Ji?

Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'

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Why did Bill Clinton have the Sardar Ji beaten?

The Sardar Ji told him, You are an impotent man.

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What will a Sardar Ji tell a tomato who is trailing in a vegetable race?

Come on, Tomato, Ketch up

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What did the Sardar Ji mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?

His son failed in statistics.

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What did the Sardar Ji mean when he said. Maro dikro Dubai gayo?

My son drowned.

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Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?

Because below 18 was not allowed.
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What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
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What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.
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How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?

Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.
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What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?

Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Why do Sardars work seven days a week?

So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
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Why do recently so many surds get injured when they try to send a letter bomb?

In order to be modern they want to send the bomb by fax.

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Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.
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How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?

He threw it off a cliff.
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How do you confuse a Surd?

Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

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How does a Surd confuse you?

He tells you he did.

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What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
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What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?

The back of his head.
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What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
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What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.(Again, T silent)
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Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.
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Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First.
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How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.
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Why can't Sardar dial 911?

They can not find the eleven on the phone
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How do you get Sardar on the roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house.
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"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
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What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

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Why don't Surds eat pickles?

Their heads always get stuck in the jar.

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Why do Surds wash their hair in the kitchen sink?

That's where you wash vegetables.

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Why did the Surd freeze in the winter?

Because he went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.

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What do surd and beer bottles have in common?

Both are empty from the neck up.

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If a surd and a Layman fell out of an airplane, who would land first?

The Layman.

The Surd would have to stop and ask for directions.

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What's the difference between a Surd and a computer?

You only have to put information into a computer once.
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Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.
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What will a Sardar do if he miss bus no. 44.
Take bus no. 22 Twice.
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Sardar was sitting in his TV room & thinking hard.
Sardarni: Kya sochte ho?
Sardar: Yeh Star TV waalon ko kaise pata chalta hai, ke "U R watching Star TV"
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Chota SARDAR beaten by teacher on his BUM at school.
Comes back home & saw his BUM in mirror & says
"SAALE NE MAAR-MAAR KE DO TUKDE KAR DIYE"
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An American lady is window shopping in delhi, Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment, and she is not wearing a watch. She sees a small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks the sardar owner in her ver-ry american accent: "What's the time?"
The sardar wanting to impress the american woman.replies back in the same accent..."bra-panties!!"
Confused the lady asks again....."No! No! Whats the time??"
The sardar again answers "Bra-panties...........bra-panties!!"
Seeing the confusion going between the two another sardars comes to the rescue and says...."O papaji tusi samajh nahin paaye!! Kudi twade kol taime puuch rahii haigyee!!"
The angry sardar shouts back at him.. "Tow main bhi to oonoo taime hee das rahan hai: Barah Panthis (12:35)"

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SARDAR'S BMW
BMW cars were having back mounted engines earlier. Sardar Hari Singh Purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Sardarji came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem.
Immediately began to sweat. By that time Sardar Gani Singh came by that way and saw our sardarji, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter. Hari Singh: "The BMW people made me fool. They have given me the Car without the engine." Gani Singh: "Don't worry. I have spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that."
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TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
 
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
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TRAIN TO LUDHIANA.
Sardars Hari Singh and Gyani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gyani Singh.
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A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him
"kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
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Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?
"Sardarji replies"Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
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Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up
when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
after Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife"What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
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Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;what are you thanking God for?
The sardarji replied: “I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at That time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
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Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" (It’s the
barking sound )
Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!""Moti!" "Woof!"
"Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"Sardarji!" "Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
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Two sardarjis stayed in the same building. One on the first floor and the other one on the eight floor. Both were great enemies. One day the sardarji on the eight floor thought to fool the one on the first floor. He invited him for dinner. When the sardarji reached the eighth floor, he found his door locked and a board at his door " Kaisa bewkoof banaya ". Sardarji felt embarrased and to outplay him, he wrote down:" "Main to yaha aya hi nahi tha"
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Santa Singh had his 4th child. He fills the data in the birth-certificate:
Mother: Sikh.

Father: Sikh.

Baby: Chinese.

"How come you're writing 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?", asks the doctor.

Santa Singh replies, "I have read in a newspaper, that every 4th person born on the earth now is Chinese."
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Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower. When someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower, Sardarji says "Yes"

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.
"The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
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SPARE BOMB
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now". Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"
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Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh walked toward each other on a country road. Hari Singh carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. "Hey Bhai," Gani Singh drawled, "what's in the bag?" "Chickens," was the reply. "If I guess how many, can I have one?" "You can have both of them." "OK, Five?"
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Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
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AT INDO-PAK WAR
Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Cptn. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani! (mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal.His freinds ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi? In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh (No Assumptions Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead gets shot.In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me to itni akal thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya" Gani Singh replies "aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"!

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HEIGHTS OF REVENGE
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
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DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Arre Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver.
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Sardar's Maruti
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from  Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?)
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti wale are crazy!)

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What frustrates a Sardar?
When his wife delivers twins & he can't find the father of the second child.
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The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos.

At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."

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One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - ' Kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother.

After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving.

After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding.

He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?' The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ke liya doond raha tha'

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A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly.

"Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.

The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.

He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh".

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Four Sardarji's were waiting a on Railway Platform for the "Punjab Mail". As they were waiting an announcement is made about the train running late by two hours. The train scheduled to start at 10 am will now start at 12 noon. Since there is lots of time to kill the four sardarjis decide to go out into the city to spend the time. When they get back to the station they see "Punjab Mail" just leaving the platform.So sardarjis start running desperately to board the train. One of them manages to catch the 6th boggie Another got almost the last boggie and the other two got left behind. When the two Sardarji 's who managed to get into the train met each other in one of the bogies they started laughing uncontrollably. They go on laughing .....laughing ...and laughing.
Now the other passengers get bit curious and one of them asked the Sardarji's .... "Arre, what's so funny ? Why are you both laughing so madly?
One of the Sardarji's managed to reply " Actually the two who were supposed to take this train got left behind......we ....just came to see them off !!!!!!!!!!"
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am

rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."

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CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the Sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not to leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the Sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left theside seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt.what he told to the Sardarji Capt. replied: "Nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."
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SARDAR THIEF
Santa Singh was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight hewas too tired and dozed off with the house door open. A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Banta Singh found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him". Banta was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Banta Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter. "What did you do to the thief"? "I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Banta Singh felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there". "How do you know"? "Well, that fellow is also a Sardarji".
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KHALISTAN JOKES
Khalistan National Drink: Sarbat Khalsa.
Khalistan National Bird: Tandoori Chicken.
International Airline: Kitthe Pacific.
National Airline: Itthe Pacific.
National Anthem: Sten-a gun-a man-a
National Taxi Service: Kar Seva.
National song: Bande marte hum.
Female terrorist: Hard Kaur.
National dish: AKALI-DAAL.
Sikh scuba diver: JULL-UNDER SINGH.
Better adapted sikh diver: JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.
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Sardars' Business

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. After considerable discussion they finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed, but nobody turned up. WHY ?
B'coz there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipment's and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage. WHY?

B'coz their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ?

B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi!!

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldn't move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldn't budge. WHY ?

B'coz two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
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Suicidal Sardar

An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Surd opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dal again. If I get paratha and daal one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps The Surd opens his lunch, sees paratha and daal and jumps to his death also...

At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef & cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
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The Graffiti

Santa Singh was walking on the road paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala Gadha." (one who reads this is an ass)
Santa Singh sat on a nearby bench, and much thought erased it and wrote "Likhne waala Ghadah". (One who wrote this is an ass)
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There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle  balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriagebaarat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"

..... comes the reply, "Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar BRAIN TUMOR se mara hai !!!!"
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A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my. "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called again."
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Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.

Banta Singh : Santa Singh what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside ?

Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
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The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh were out on a romantic evening.
She said to him, "Santa Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"
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A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives  and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes!After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'.
He starts the jokes with, "There was once a Bihari..." And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, "Kyon be! Sab Sardar mar gaye hai kya?"

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Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy". Santa:"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer.And you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
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FIRST FRIEND: You know, I faced a tiger today!
SECOND FRIEND: Oh really, what happened?
FIRST FRIEND: The tiger looked into my eyes and I looked into his eyes...
SECOND FIRST: Then what happened?
FIRST FRIEND: Then I moved forward...
SECOND FRIEND: What!
FIRST FRIEND: I had to see other animals in the zoo...
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the Jullundhur zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
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Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!" Santa responded immediately, "Thank you , your honour! I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.
Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time." Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?" Santa Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."
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A number of Indians were discussing who the most Patriotic Indian citizen was. Some said they always saluted the National flag wherever were and hence were the most patriotic. Others said that whenever they heard the national anthem being sung, howsoever faintly, they immediately stood at attention. Likewise everyone was boasting about how patriotic he/she was. A Sardarji from Punjab was keeping mum while the discussion happened. Everybody asked him why he was so quiet. Some even remarked that the Sardarji was not a true patriot and hence had nothing to say. Hearing this the Sardarji immediately flew into a rage. "I have kept quiet till now only because I was felt like crying on hearing your foolish talk about patriotism. How does it benefit the Nation if you salute the Flag or do stand at attention on hearing the national anthem? A true patriot should be like me. 365 days, 24 hours my radio set is tuned to Pakistan Radio at full volume".

"But how is that a patriotic act?" someone asked.

The Sardarji said, "Arrey you don't understand. If nothing else we can at least harm the Pakistanis by consuming as much of their electricity as possible".
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A sardarji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,"Abey saale! Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The sardarji shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the sardarji and put down the phone!
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A sardar wanted to sell his old battered maruti car which had done more than 100,000kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea. A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000 kms!"
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Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the Cricket life in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night match here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!"
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Sardarji: "Arre yaar! I lost $1000 today

Friend: "How come?"
Sardarji: "I bet $500 that India would win the match against Pakistan and India lost"
Friend: "That explains $500. What about the other $500?"

Sardarji: "Well, later that evening they were showing the highlights and I bet $500 on India winning .......... again!!!!"
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Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done!........... The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!"
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One sardar came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar. His tamilian friend told the Sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price. Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000. Vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no, no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok, I will give it for Rs.1500 for which sardar bargained for Rs.750. It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the Sardar the stereo free of cost. Our sardar asked whether he will give two.
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Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."  The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".

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A sardarji is standing on platform no.1 waiting for the punjab mail to arrive. There is an anouncement "Passengers to note.. Train no 234 dn Punjab mail from New Delhi will be arriving on `platform` no.1 shortly."

Hearing this sardarji gets panicky..He immediately picked up his baggage, jumped on to the railway track and stood there..

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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry… we still have one engine left."

A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Diana murder mystery solved The latest theory is that the driver of the Mercedes, Henri Paul, was actually a sardar whose family migrated to France when he was 3 yrs old. His name was Harvinder Singh Pal, and later he changed it to Henri Paul. But what is in a name, after all ! Once a surd, always a surd ! And so when the Paparazzi chasing the car shouted Diana, Diana, at 80 mph, Harvinder tried to take a right turn.("daina" - right in Hindi ........... The rest, as they say, is history !!....................)

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Once a Sardarji went to the city of Mumbai for the first time to meet his father. His father had asked him to keep walking in the direction of the sunrise until he eventually reached his house. Since, the Sardarji was new to the city he decided to ask a passerby the direction in which the sun rose in Mumbai - east, west, north or south? The passerby who was also a Sardarji thought for some time and then said, "Main bhi is sheher mein naya aaya hoon!" ( I am also new in this city!)

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A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!" He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice-with no success.Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out"Hey, Balbir!" Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke.

Finally he had his coke and took his seat eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once more. Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,"My name isn't Balbir!"

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Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions. Following is the transcript:

O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites

S : Yes Sir.

Officer started asking questions

O : Above

S : Below

O : Front

S : Back

O : Left

S : Right

O : Male

S : Female

O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)

S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)

O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)

S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)

O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)

 S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y...... Our sardar also shouts)

Officer is now angry.

O : Get out

S : Come in.

O : Quiet please.

S : Talk please.

O : You are rejected.

S : I am selected

........ and This is how Santa Singh got his job.

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Young ventriloquist is touring North India and stops to entertain a gathering in Punjab. He's going through his usual stupid sardar jokes when a big burly sardar in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your silly sardar jokes; we aren't all stupid here in Punjab."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the stupid little fellow on your knee!"

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Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri.

Banta: Wow Santa, What a car! Where did you get it from ?

Santa: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this car and asked me - "Want a ride Mr. Singh ?"

I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. Take anything"

Banta is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"

Santa: I took the car.

Banta: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!

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A sardar from Delhi had an old car which had run for over a 1,00,000 kilometres. He wanted to sell it, but was not getting a good price because of its excess mileage. He approached a Madrasi friend of his and asked for help. The Madrasi gave him an address in Chennai (Madras) and asked him to visit a mechanic there. The mechanic would adjust the meter so that it shows only 30,000 kilometres. The sardar thanked him and left for Madras. For a few days, the Madrasi didn't see the sardar. He assumed that the sardar would have sold the car. A few weeks later, the sardar came to see the Madrasi in the same car. The Madrasi was surprised and asked - "What happened? Why have you not sold your car yet?"

The sardar replied - "Why should I? It has run for only 30,000 kilometres."

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Did you know why Sardarjees are called Surds?

Well, there is a reason for it and a scientific, mathematical one.

Here it is! assume x = a stupid sardarji, y = an intelligent sardarji

their complex equation- x + iy = 0,

where x is "real" and y is "imaginary" and secondary school algebra will remind you such equations are called surds.

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"This guy was an Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the mortuary chief.

The DI nods understandingly and is taken to the second dead man.

"This was an American, 25, won 124 million dollars in the PowerBall, spent it all on booze. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the contended smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown he last body.

"Ah," says the chief, "this is the most unusual one, a Sardar, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the chief.

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In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him how many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach.

Zail replied "Seven".

Then his friend told him "When you eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??".

Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife "How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach??".

She replied "Five". Then Zail told "Shit!! If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it"

......................................................................................................

This Sardarji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor says "OK. Touch your elbow."

The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.

Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says: "We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" "You've broken your finger.

...................................................................................................... 

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with a man ahead of him. "Ek Punjab Mail dena', demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket. (Punjab Mail is the name of the train)

Then came the turn of Banta Singh, "Ikk Punjab female dena"

"What do you mean by punjab female?" asked the clerk.

"It is for my wife", replied Banta Singh.

......................................................................................................

Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their computers to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.

Santa : "My system has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"

Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!

...................................................................................................... 

A Hindu, a Muslim and a Sikh were discussing the marvellous achievements of  their own brand of surgery.

Said the Hindu, 'I know of a vaidji who joined a severed arm with the use of  ayurvedic glue. you can't even tell where the arm had been cut.'

Not to be outdone, the Muslim spoke 'A hakeem sahib has evolved a new kind of adhesive ointment. He used it on a fellow who had his head cut off. you can't tell where the neck was severed.'

It was the sardarji's turn to extol the latest developments in Sikh surgery.

'We have gone much farther,' said the Sardarji thumping his chest proudly. 'There was this chacha of mine who was cut into two round his navel. Our Sikh surgeon immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to chacha's upper half.

So now we have our Chacha as well as two litres of milk every day.'

......................................................................................................

Sardarji is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman. He opens the batting against West Indies. He is asked to face the very first over (with one Sunil Gavaskar as the non-striker!) from Marshall who is bowling at his fiercest...

First ball : Whizzes past Sardarji's off-stump. Sardarji doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper.

Second ball : Goes right over the Sardarji's bat and just over the middle stump, somehow missing both the bat and the stumps. Sardarji is again unmoved.

Third ball : Is a bouncer. Almost decapitates the Sardarji, missing his head by a fraction of an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper. Sardarji doesn't move a muscle.

Fourth ball : Outside the leg-stump. Sardarji again doesn't move, and the ball shoots past him to the wicket keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!".

Sardarji walks upto the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now? You see, I know from the very beginning that the guy has no ball in his hand!"

......................................................................................................

A Surd wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy foot stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the Surd moved further down the ice, poured a cup of coffee from his Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The Surd, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up his stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The Surd stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God?

The voice replied, NO, YOU DUMB SURD, I OWN THE @$#&! ICE RINK!

( rink - ice used for skating )

......................................................................................................

One day, a Surd was driving to California. On the way, he saw a sign that said, “Clean Rest Rooms Ahead”

By the time he finally reached the coast, he had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

......................................................................................................

Two Surds were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.

The first Surd said, You know, those look like deer tracks.

The other Surd said, No, silly, those are moose tracks.

They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

...................................................................................................... 

Those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City, Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear a large turban.

As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows, chickens, and people scattering in all directions.

At one point, the driver said "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world.

"Do you know why," he asked, "we Sikhs are the best drivers in the world?"

"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world.?"

"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"

...................................................................................................... 

Sardarji goes to the movies and he happens to be going for every show of the same movie for a week, when someone stops him and asks "Kyon sardarji, itni aachi lagi kya ki roz har show ke liye aar rahe ho?"(Is the film is soo good, that you are watching every show?)

Sardarji replies "Ek scene hai jahan ek ladki apne sare kapde utar deti hai lekin thabhi ek saali train saamne se nikal jati hai. Saali train kabhi na kabhi to late aayegi heh heh!" (In the film, a girl strips her clothes, but at that time a train arrives. That Idiot train will be late some day!!!....”)

...................................................................................................... 

Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional places an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of their next operating system Windows98. This becomes scary news as the ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates.

Microsoft receives only three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa Singh). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview. Bill Gates says "I will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate". All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question.

Bill asks "How do we achieve Windows98 from Windows95?"

American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind.

After a while American answers "Fix bugs in Windows95 for smooth transitions", Bill shouts "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs out.

The Japanese says "Make Windows98 more user friendly than Windows95", Bill Gates screams "get the hell out of here....".

Gates looks at Santa, Santa giggles and says: "RENAME Windows95 Windows98".

Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job"

...................................................................................................... 

Once upon a time, there was a Surd who had six young boys, all of whom he named 'Jimmy'.

One day, his aunt asked, Why did you name all of these boys 'Jimmy'?

The Surd said, So I can keep track of 'em.

The aunt gave him a wild look. So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'?

The Surd looked at his aunt, shrugged and said, No problem, I just call them by their last names.

......................................................................................................

Once three surds Santa, Banta and Mantha singh, were discussing as to how they shared their income with God.

Mantha said, " I draw a line, and throw the money over it, whatever falls on my side of the line is mine, rest is Lord's "

Banta said, " I do the same essentially, just that I draw a circle and throw money over it, whatever falls inside the circle is mine, the rest is His "

Santa said, " I am the same fellas, but I don't draw lines and circles, I just throw all the money in air, whatever God grabs is His the rest is mine "

......................................................................................................

A sardarji was walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he must be thinking ??

Guess ...

..............

"Saala aaj bhi girna padega..."

...................................................................................................... 

One day, two Surds were driving to Disneyland. As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said, Disneyland Left.

So they turned around and went home.

...................................................................................................... 

One day a Malayali asked to Sardarji “Is it true that Sardarjis get mad at midnight?”

Sardarji : “Definitely Not”

Malayali : “But Everybody belives.”

Sardarji : “No, I dont think so. If any doubt we can clear tonight.”

Thus both of them waited for the midnight .They are looking at the watch anxiously.

Time :11.00 - No sign of madness......

Time :11.50 - No sign of madness.......

Time :11.55 - No sign of madness.......

Time :11.59 - No sign of madness.......

At last 12 O’ Clock arrived,

Suddenly Surdarji threw his watch into the floor and made a big slap on Malayali's cheeck and asked

“Which idiot (@#$@#) said Surdarjis get mad at midnight?..”

......................................................................................................  

Santa Singh wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Santa says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Santa,"and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then, "Santa continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Santa,"I'd rush down out of the box and use he public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my wife & kids."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because they have never seen a train crash before."

......................................................................................................  

Surdarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns a apple shop in US. One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere. He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price, tell them $2 a pound. If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not. If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.

Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples. A lady comes and asks sardarji,

Do you know what time it is ?

Sardarji replied $2 a pound.

Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools.

Sardarji replied, some are some are not. Lady got frustrated and said, I will take you to police station. Sardarji replied, if you will not take some body else take.

......................................................................................................  

Sardar gets an oppurtunity to fly to a near by country. Sardar never has been on an airplane anywhere and got so excited and tensed. As soon as he boarded the plane, a BOEING 747, started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'. He forgets what's around, and even the pilot in the cockpit could hear the noise.

Annoyed by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT!'. There was pindrop silence every where and everybody is looking at the Sardar and the angried Pilot. Sardar stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.

...................................................................................................... 

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.

Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me.

He takes him to a forest

Bill: Dig the ground.

Sardarji did it.

Bill: more...more...more...

Sardarji went upto 100 feet

Bill: So now, try to search something.

Sardarji: I got a wire.

Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India

Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. Come with me.

He takes Bill to a forest.

Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.

Sardarji : more...more...more...

Bill goes upto almost 400 feet..

Sardarji : try to find something.

Bill tries.

Sardarji : Did you get anything?

Bill : No, there is nothing here.

Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

...................................................................................................... 

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question.

He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow.”

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".

Came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder. “

...................................................................................................... 

There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to go to Delhi to thank the President Dr. Zail Singh for his revolutionary policies, from which they have greatly benefited. Moreover, they are his old friends, and are longing to dine with the president. They agree that it would be appropriate to use a taxi. So they go to a taxi driver and ask him how much a ride would cost. The driver frets a little and tells them, "Sahab! If only four of you were to be there I would charge you just the meter rate, but then since seven of you would be there, you have to give me Rs. 10/- more." The Sardars agree and decide to take the taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan. The meter shows Rs. 18/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-." Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7. This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer: ____

7 | 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).

 ........7

--------

...... 21

.......21

--------

..........0

---------

The driver (naturally) is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of exultant happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way. Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation! After all the initial formalities are completed, they ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare. Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation. The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:

..........13

..........13

..........13 +

..........13

..........13

..........13

..........13

--------------

...........28

-----------

i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28

so this checks out. He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Manmohan Singh. It is always better that he rechecks it. After all, he is a Finance man, you know!" Manmohan Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"

While others watch in admiration, Manmohan Singh goes on to write as shown:

..............13 x

................7

-------------------

...............21 +

................ 7

-------------------

................28

This checks out as well. -- Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."

Peace reigns at the President's residence as the inhabitants and guests remain in quite contentedness while they reminisce about their astute abilities on solving a problem in a successful fast.

...................................................................................................... 

Banta Singh, wanting to rob State Bank of Patiala, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on the back of a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the bank and crossed the street to State Bank of India. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the SBI teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a State Bank of Patiala deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a State Bank of India deposit slip or go back to State Bank of Patiala.

Looking somewhat defeated, Banta said "OK" and left. The SBI teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at State Bank of Patiala.

......................................................................................................  

A sardar, a Madrasi and a Gujarati were waiting for a bus when a dangerous-looking guy approached them. He suddenly pulled out a syringe with blood inside it and said in a menacing tone - "Give me all your valuables or I'll pierce you with this needle. This contains AIDS infected blood!"

Our friends were naturally alarmed - all except the sardar. The Madrasi immediately gave away all his valuables. The Gujju bargained with the stranger and gave away half of his belongings. The sardar, however, was unfazed. He refused to part with his money. In anger and frustration, the guy pricked the sardar with the needle and ran away.

The alarmed Madrasi and Gujju asked the sardar - " How could you do this? Now you will get AIDS surely!" The sardar coolly replied - " No! I won't! I am wearing a condom".

......................................................................................................

One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination.

On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here ?" Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi? Sardarji cooly replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"

...................................................................................................... 

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward.  The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult Lin and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best.

First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up.

Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion.

Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes, half an hour, one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis. The judges give up and decide to search for them. They go into the forest. After some searching, they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree.  The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting, "Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !!"(Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion)

...................................................................................................... 

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'

Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'

Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'

Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'

Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'

Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'

...................................................................................................... 

The Train Driver

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar.  He was questioned.  He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.  

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger.You should have overran that person.  

Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

......................................................................................................  

Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, my next door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!" Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 1million men in my army waiting to move on my word." "OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill's tractor from the farm." Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,10,000  armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke." "I'll be dogged!" says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!" Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back."

Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

......................................................................................................   

Jallandhar

Dear Banta,

I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since. Its only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.

I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!

My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

Uncle Balbir fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Cousin Santa Ludhiana.

P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with this envelope, but I had already sealed this by then.

...................................................................................................... 

Once, a Madrasi, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes. First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down.

Then the Madrasi removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently.

Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out. Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground.

He passed by the Madrasi who said - " May that ganapathi help you".

Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster"

Saying so, he let go of his turban.

...................................................................................................... 

Instructor giving a lecture on the population explosion: "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child."

One student, a sardar, immediately stands up and says: "She must be found and stopped, sir!"

...................................................................................................... 

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

...................................................................................................... 

Two surdars go for fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to shore.

The first surdar says: "I hope u remember the spot where we caught all those fish."

The other answers: "Yes, I made 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

"You idiot!" replies the first." how do u know u will get the same boat tomorrow."

......................................................................................................  

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray...........

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the temple.....................

"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord :

"SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

......................................................................................................   

Santa singh bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested Santa notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

......................................................................................................    

Iqbal Singh is travelling from Moscow to turbanPore (Capital of Khalistan) by Kothi Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Iqbal goes" He he! you think I don't know who you are? I wouldn't like to compete with a world champion"

Gary: "How about if I play left handed?"

Iqbal [Think..   Think..]:"OK!" Iqbal is demolished in 5 moves..and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey.

On landing he meets his friend guldu Sherab Singh.

Iqbal: Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed.

Sherab: He he he!! He sure did fool you!! You know what!! Gary is LEFT-HANDED!!

......................................................................................................

Travelling together once were a Russian, an American & the saviour of our nation - Sardarji!!! Each of them wanted to prove that their country was the greatest.

Said the Russian, " We have a rocket that could touch the sky."

"We dont believe it ",said the others.

"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. below the sky"

Not to be out done the American said, " We have a submarine that can touch the ocean-bed of the deepest part on this planet."

"We don't believe it ",said the others.

"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. above the ocean-bed"

Our hero with a smile on his face said, "In our country we all eat with our nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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One day Sardarji went to a Railway Station. He asked a passerby "Whether Punjab Mail gone?"

Passerby : "It has just passed."

Sardargi again asked "Whether Shadabdi Express gone?"

Passerby :"It will come at 12'O Clock.”.

Thus the sardar goes on asking for all the trains. Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by train or not.

Sardar replies, "NO. I only want to cross the tracks!"

...................................................................................................... 

Punjab Airlines

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village! Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. (I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)

For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off ! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits !

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark !

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit.

Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.

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Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.

"Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "

Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"

The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

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While travelling a sardar was carrying a binocular with him. But he never seemed to use it while looking outside the window.

A co-passenger who was travelling with him asked why he was carrying binoculars.

The sardar simply said. .. "I am on my way to see a distant relative."

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Biography of a Sardar

Read this biography of a sardar

When God passed out looks,

I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.

When God passed out ears,

I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.

When God passed out legs,

I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.

When God passed out noses,

I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.

When God passed out heads,

 I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.

When God passed out brains,

I thought he said trains, and I missed mine

......................................................................................................  
Once, two Sardars were feeling bored and decided to play a few games of chess to pass the time.

They were doing this for some time, when two more sardar friends dropped by.

Seeing them play chess, they said - "Come on guys, we are feeling bored too. Let us play doubles!"

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Scene: Two Surds (1&2), and a Monkey and some scientists with their Chairman (CM).

Sub: Launching of Space shuttle with Both Surds and the monkey in it.

CM: Hello Surds, I am giving three letters to you, one to each, and I order you not see the letters of the others till you finish the assignment. You have to open your letters after the shuttle takes off. (The surds agree to it and enter the space shuttle along with the monkey.)

(Count down starts 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 and the Rocket takes off) (Both the Surds get curious about the third letter addressed to the monkey.) 1st Surd to the 2nd: Hey! Can you guess what might be there in that monkey's letter?

2nd surd: I am not a fool to break my head thinking about it and wasting time. Let us see what is there in it? The 1st Surd agrees and both open the letter and they find lot of instructions like, Switch on Red button to the right after reaching 100000 ft, Take Pictures of the Earth, Release so and so button... etc and the list continues...

After going through this, the Surds think, "Oh! When Monkey has got these many things to perform we must have also been given brain draining tasks." So they open their respective letters simultaneously. Both will find... (IN RED LETTERS),

"FEED THE MONKEY EVERY HALF AN HOUR WITH OUT FAIL."

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Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space.The ground control issues commands

"Rubi!"

"Woof!"

"Press the red button."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Moti!"

"Woof!"

"Press the white button."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Sardarji!"

"Woof."

"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

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Once a Surd professor was asked by a student, "Why or how does a capacitor conduct the alternating current and not the direct current?".

Being very thrilled with the question, the Prof went to the black board with a lot of enthu. He drew out three figures. Then he explained, "See as in Fig.1(a), when a direct current comes towards the capacitor plate, it sees the wall kind of thing and returns back (as in Fig.1(b)). So, there is no current flow"

Direct d.c. Current | | returns | |

--------> | | <---------

 -------&gt;| | | | &lt;--------

-------- | | | | ----------------| Capacitor |------ ------| |--------

&lt;-------| | | |---------&gt;Current Returns

Fig. 1(a) ...........................................Fig. 1(b)

"But the alternating current oscillates, and when it is near the capacitor plate, it jumps and crosses the other wall (see Fig.2). Therefore, the > capacitor conducts AC. It's so simple."

Fig.2. The alternating / - \

current jumps / \

and crosses the / \

walls of the / | | \

capacitor. / | C | \

/ | A | \

/ | P | \

/ | A | \

 | -/--------| C |------- \

 \ / | I |

\ / | T |

 \ / | O |

\ / | R |

\ / | 1000uF |

 

\-/

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Three Surds are attempting to change a light bulb. Then, one of them decides to call 911.

Surd: We need help, me and two other Surds are trying to change a light bulb.

Operator: Hmm. Have you put a fresh bulb in?

S: Yes.

O: Is the power in the house turned on?

S: Of course! O: And the switch is on? S: Yes, yes!

O: And the bulb still won't light up?

S: Actually, the bulb's working fine.

O: Then what's the problem?

S: Well, we got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell off and hurt ourselves.

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Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service.

So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.

Said his wife " What's the matter?"

Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else."

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Banta singh and Santa Singh boasting of their Grand fathers

Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of Sardar Sher singh?, he was my Grand father who once killed two tigers with one bullet'

Banta Singh : 'How's that possible?'

Santa Singh : 'He lined them up and shot one bullet through both of their bodies'

Banta singh : 'That's nothin! my Grandfather Jung Bahadur singh once killed a tiger each with half bullet'

Santa singh : 'what?'

Banta singh : 'Yeah! he had one bullet left and there were two tigers, so he quickly sharpened his knife, aligned the knife with incoming tigers, and then aimed for knife. each of the tigers was killed by half bullet'

...................................................................................................... 

A sardarji, his wife, and son, after spending a hectic trip to South are returning back home by train. On the way, they fall asleep; the sardar on the lower birth, his wife on the middle, and the son, on the upper one.

In one of the stations, the son gets up and wakes up his father asking for an ice-cream. Both get out and after buying him, they return to the compartment, only to find a stranger occupying the upper birth, and snoring peacefully. Sardar is frustrated, after repeatedly trying to get rid of the man.

He finally calls the TTE, a pakka Madrasi, to his aid and in his best English, explains his plight to him, "An unknown person lying over my wife, not giving "birth" to my son"

......................................................................................................   

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went the playground and grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground", and then signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

...................................................................................................... 

PROFESSOR SARDAR
Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him.

He decided instantly to do a research on the cockroach. He picked the cockroach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The cockroach ran.

This way the cockroach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run".

The cockroach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis:

"When you pull out all the legs of a cockroach, it cannot hear anymore".

......................................................................................................  

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were Sardars, and one was a Gujju. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the Gujju ( of course ) said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the Gujju saying he would get off, all of the Sardars started clapping. Problem solved.

......................................................................................................   

Santa Singh and Banta singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny Walker when Banta singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her. Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!".

Banta singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?"

...................................................................................................... 

Letter from Sardarji leading Y2k Project

Dear Sir,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everyline of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December. As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.

And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

Very Sincerely,

Santa Singh,

Y-to-K Project leader.

...................................................................................................... 

Sardar in Texas

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the surd's window.

"Goodafternoon, sir."

"Good afternoon, any problems?"

"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "Solid Driving Awareness Program", I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

The surd lets out a big sigh of relief: "Oh good! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license."

Awkward silence, then the surd's wife sitting in the passenger seat goes, "Don't listen to him, officer. He always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."

Surd's Grandma, who's a little hard of hearing, adds from the backseat, "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"

At this time the surd's trunk pops open and a head peeks out, "Are we over the border yet ?"

......................................................................................................

A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there.

So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".

......................................................................................................

One rainy day Sardar singh was travelling by his new FERRARI car. He was not a very good driver and so, did not have complete control on it. Mike tyson was also riding his bike on the same road.  At a speed breaker sardar's car came in contact with tyson's bike.

Tyson got very angry. He dragged sardar out of the car and threw him a few yards away from the car. Tyson then drew a small circle around sardar and shouted " Hey !!It's not easy for you to damage my bike and get away.  Now i will be thrashing your car. You should stay inside this circle and watch me smash your car. If you come out of the circle, I will kill you immediately".

Then Tyson turned towards the car and he smashed its side indicators.Then he looked at sardar.  Sardar looked at Tyson sarcastically. Tyson's anger grew and he smashed the window panes and then again looked at sardar. Sardar grinned at Tyson. Tyson was confused. Tyson could now not at all control his anger and he broke the side doors and tore away the seats of the car. Then he again looked at Sardar. Sardar was laughing so hard that he could hardly stand.

This time Tyson came to Sardar and he told " oh !what is this ? I am spoiling your expensive car and you are so happy about it ?" Sardar replied " Every time you turned towards the car I was out of the circle and you did not notice it. I have fooled you. You are a fool. ."

...................................................................................................... 

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."

......................................................................................................   

There was a competition: Those who don't laugh for 100 continuous jokes will get an award. Our surdarji gang, headed by Banta Singh, went to the competition, but unfortunately only one of them got the admission. So Banta, as a representative of surdarjis, went and sat with other competitors.

People started telling jokes one by one. Our Banta didn't laugh a bit, though so many others got disqualified. Rest of the surdarjis were so happy after the 98th joke, thinking that they will get their share of prize (since Banta was sent as their representative).

But after the 99th joke, Banta started laughing, rolling on the ground. So much that nobody could control him. His surd friends got angry and asked, "kya jee yaar, why didn't you hold your laugh for just another joke?"

Banta replied "O yaar, main kya karooon, the Joke Number 1 was too good."

...................................................................................................... 

Three friends, a Hindu, a Muslim and a Sikh, all great admirers of Bir Bajrang Bali were hotly arguing about what community Hanumanji belonged to.

The Hindu was outraged by their claims: "How could Hanuman possibly be a Muslim?" he demanded.

His Muslim friend replied: "We have Ahsan, Rehman, Sulaiman and many other Muslim names ending with aan. Hanuman could well have been one such name."

"And you Sardarji," said the Hindu aggressively "Sikhism came into being a thousand years after the Ramayana. How can you say Hanuman was a Sikh?"

"Quite clearly Hanuman was a Sikh," replied the Surd. "Here we have someone who does not know the lady who has been abducted, and he has no enmity towards the abductor. Neverthless he sets his own tail on fire and burns up not just the enemy's palace, but a whole city. Who else would do such a thing except a Sardar??!"

......................................................................................................   

Three astronauts, a Russian, an American and a Sardarji are arguing about who's the best.

The Russian : WE are the best. WE were the first in space.

The American : No, no no. WE are the best. We were the first to put a man on the moon.

The Surd: No, no gentlemen. We are the best. WE are planning to land on the Sun.

The other two: But... but... you can't do that. The Sun's too hot.

The Surd: But we thought of that too. We're going to do it at night.

...................................................................................................... 

On a hot summer day, an angry Surd was brought into the hospital with severe burns on his mouth and lips.When the doctors asked his what had happened, he said that he had caught his girlfriend with another man, so he had tried to retaliate by blowing his car up.

......................................................................................................  

Once Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going in a car. Santa Singh would not stop at red lights and cross the intersection.

Banta : Santa, why do u do that ?

Santa : Hum sher de puter hain ... ( I am a lion's son)

At the next crossing there was a green light. Santa stopped the car.  

Banta : What happened now, it is a green light. Cross the intersection.

Santa : Je duji paseyon koi sher the puter aa jae to. (May be another lion's son is coming from the other direction, where signal is red)

......................................................................................................  

A sardarji couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful gujarati baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Gujarati?"

The Sardarji said proudly, "We just adopted a Gujarati baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

...................................................................................................... 

Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream to the other pilot : "Get the airplane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air...

They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".

The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air...

They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway...",

"I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it....."